Tempest in a Wine Glass:SBL#178 De-Obfuscates the Top 5 News Story of the Week

"Be afraid, be very afraid''

Someone once said 'it doesn't take a genius to tell the difference between chicken shit and chicken salad'. Well, it's true, and the axiom is never more true than when you skim through the news headlines of the day. Surfing for news on the intronet is like panning for gold: the comedy just writes itself. Now, I've never been the most politically astute person around. As a matter of fact until recently I thought "Eurozone" referred to a popular porn site. Be that as it may, armed with a bottle of cheap Cabernet, I, and the editorial staff at SBL#178 sat down recently to de-obfuscate the top news stories of the week. I know the news can be obfuscative, so it our journalistic duty to de-obfuscate it, if for no other reason than to overuse the word obfuscate. So, with that in mind, we present, in no particular order, the top stories of the week.

Alabama Getaway

On Nov. 16, a European businessman paying a visit to his company’s manufacturing plant near Tuscaloosa, Alabama, was pulled over for driving a rental car without a tag.
The police officer asked the man for his license, but the only paperwork he had with him was a German I.D. card. Anywhere else in the nation, the cop might have issued the man a citation. Not in Alabama, where a strict new law requires police to look into the immigration status of people detained for routine traffic violations. Because the man couldn’t prove he had the right to be in the U.S., he was arrested and hauled off to the police station. The businessman turned out to be an executive with Mercedes-Benz, one of Alabama’s prized manufacturers, Bloomberg Businessweek reports in its Nov. 28 issue. The Mercedes plant employs 3,400 people, and the company’s much-heralded decision in 1993 to build cars in the state encouraged Hyundai, Honda, and Toyota to follow. Mercedes has downplayed the incident, calling it “unfortunate” and refusing further comment. Yet word of the arrest spread quickly through the state, amplifying a growing sentiment among many politicians, business owners and citizens that the immigration law, intended to drive off undocumented workers and free up jobs for the unemployed, is too strict and damages Alabama’s reputation as a place to do business.

“I was really embarrassed and overwhelmed,” says state Senator Gerald Dial, who previoiusly unequivocally voted for the law. “Mercedes has done more to change the image of Alabama than just about anything else. We don’t want to upset those people.” It was an honest mistake. We thought he was Mexican".

No Es Occupado

"Is it equitable that 99 should suffer for the extravegance or grandeur of one, especially when it is considered that men frequently owe their wealth to the impoverishment of their neighbors"(New York Gazette 1763).

Okay, I get it, the whole rich versus poor, Robin Hood appeal of the "Occupy" movement a'sweepin' the nation these days. I really don't like the rich bastards that have submarined our economy for the last ten years either. But here's a news flash for you kids: since the very beginning, our great democratic nation has, at it's heart, always been a corporate oligarchy.That hasn't ahanged kids, and it's not going to, despite the noble efforts of all the stinky assed, Patchouli wearing, tarpaulin tenting occupiers from NYC to San Francisco. But go ahead, hippies, rage...rage againt the dying of the light...or against the machine...or something to that effect. I'm with you. At least in spirit. However I think, this time they've gone to far. Outside malls in large west coast cities like San Fran and Sacremento, occupyers beseeched lust filled shppoers passing by their encampments to abstain from the capitalistic orgy that is Black Friday.As if that is going to happen. As ambivelent as the average person feels about the Occupy movement, I would say their pleas fell on deaf ears, not to mention armed shoppers (see story below). Alexander Hamilton laughs in his grave.

Freaky Friday

15 people pepper sprayed at a WalMart in the early hours of Friday-Insane

A suspicious item, thought to be a bomb, was found and dispatched in a Wal Mart in Cave Creek Arizona-Whacko

55-year-old shopper was shot and wounded during a robbery near a Walmart in Myrtle Beach, S.C.-unbelievable

Getting the brand new X-Box 360 before anyone else, at a great low Wal Mart cost-"PRICELESS"

Well, I know one God damned thing: I'm staying the Hell away from Wally Mart for a few days. Yes Black Friday not only results in fabulaous savings, but a number of felonies as well. Can you feel the Christmas love?

By the way, my teen-aged son wants me to mention the violence is in no way indicative of teenagers, nerds or gamers.. Joyeux Noel Asshole! Out of my way!!

Send in the Clowns

I don't know whether to be disgusted or morbidly drawn to the series of Republican debates being assailed upon the media watching public these last months. It's kind of like a car accident, which you cannot help but peek at. One after the other, crazy assed GOP hopefuls rise meteorically, shine brightly, then burn up impressively upon re-entry to the atmomsphere. First Michelle Bachman, who, by the way, has got the craziest eyes since Marty Feldman. She made Sarah Palin seem perfectly rational. Then Ravishing Rick Perry, who also makes George Bush look as smart as Noam Chomsky. Then Herman "the Pizzanator" Cain, who apparently can't keep "little Herman" in his pizza oven. Herman, we hardly knew ye'. Which lefft all you Republicans with Mitt Romney, who is a about as likable as Herman Goebbels, and makes historic flip floppers like John Kerry look positivley, well, not flippy floppy. Until, the seemingly unexplainable rise of Newt Gingrich. Remember Newt? How the hell did they figure to dig him up. Just because he doesn't trip all over his tongue and get his State Departments all mixed up,I guess he is your man."Him real smart"...Well, in case you kids forgot, or never knew, ask your parents who Newt Gingrich was in the 80's and 90's. You'll see. Good luck with that one. President Obama, the elction is yours sir.

"I'm Super, Thanks for Asking..."

Okay, let's pretend the Congressional Supercommittee is a celebrity marriage. Let's also pretend the Republicans are Kim Kardashian. And let's pretend the Democrats are NBA star Kris Humphries. Let's pretend all those budget cut ideas are the expensive wedding gifts given to Kardashian and Humphries. Can anyone else see why it was a union doomed from the start? I mean who is going to get all those gifts? Do they give them back? Anyway, we always have until 2013 to find out. Unlike Kim andKris.

Anyhow, that about covers it. And I didn't even have to bring up the end of the big NBA lockout ending. Yeah, millionaires!

May I be the first to wish you a delighful holiday relatively free from acrimony and strife.

Non illegitimi Corrundum

BFC

Stop Me If You've Heard This One Before

"Tito, we hardly knew ye''

By now, all you 'pink hat' wearing Red Sox fans are just climbing back down from the ledge and going back to your happy lives. After an epic fail September, historic for any team outside Boston, the Old Ball Team has missed their chance to fail in the 2011 playoffs and not make it to the World Series. After a very strong season on balance, the Sox went something like 7-20 in September to let the Tampa Bay Rays catch and eat them to take over the wild card spot. Some of you newer fans, who seem to think the Red Sox will always win, appeared suprised. I mean, Christ, at the beginning of the month, the Sox had a 9 game lead in the wild card race. Only a bunch of idiots could blow a lead like that, right? And I don't mean 'idiots' like the 2004 Johnny Damon idiots. I mean real idiots. A team would have to either be on the take or completely implode to lose a lead like that. Or be from Boston. Some of us knew though, Yes we did. I knew. Sully from Southie knew. Norm from Canton knew. We'd seen it all happen before.

Listen to my words you ''pink hatters', that is what we do here in Boston. That is what we have always done. Let me tell you a story. In 1978, I was a freshy freshman at Nokomis Regional High distracted from my studies by the baseball pennant race. In late July, the Sox had a seemingly insurmountable 14-1/2 game lead in the American League East. There was absolutely no doubt they would take the division and go to the World Series. Alas, on September 7, incredibly, their lead was down to 4 games entering a final four game series with the Jeezily New York Yankees. As you may have known or can guess, the Yanks went on a rampage in the series, scoring 42 runs on 67 hits, while the Red Flops commited a dozen errors and were uncerimoniously swept. That, children, forced a very rare one game playoff to break the tie and see who would go to the playoffs. The Sox of course lost the game, painfully and dramatically, off the bat of the Yankees diminutive shortstop, known as Russell Earl ''Bucky Fucking'' Dent. He homered, and my childhood hero Carl Yastrzemki watched it sail over the Green Monster. I saw it all unfold, right there in Mr. Lane's biology classroom. He brought in a TV and let us watch, thus scarring us for life. Thanks Mr. Lane.

In any event, 1978 was not the first year the Sox choked on such an epic scale. Review your baseball history books. In 1941, the Red Sox painfully folded against the Cards. You remember, Peskey held the ball. In 1967, same thing, same team. Cards ace bob Gibson kick the Sox asses and again the Sox fold. What is this, some kind of a curse? In 1975, the Red Sox played in what many consider the best World Series ever. They lose painfully and dramatically to the Big Red Cincinnati Machine. Later in Red Sox history, there would be even more epic fails. In 1986 there would be Bill Buckner and Mooky ''Fucking'' Wilson. In 2003, there was Aaron''Fucking'' Boone. Must be the curse.

Then there was 2004. And 2007. Great yes. Historic, yes. Life altering, you bet. But alas, Boston is still Boston. As great as the two world championships were, it is kind of comforting to be back in the drama. I t must be why people like Opera. Nothing like a good tragedy.

Anyway, whatever happened to precipitate such an enormous implosion this year, causing the Bosox' early exit, is just as elusive as the causes of 1978 or 1986 chokes. Maybe the pitching staff was out of shape, or drunk, or both. Maybe it was the pitching coaching staff. Maybe it was Papelbon. Maybe it was Francona. He always has been a ''player's manager'' and a little soft. Maybe it was the fat lazy complacent overpaid superstars who just could not be concerned enough to play hard or play together. Maybe it was wonderkind GM Theo Epstein, whose every off season and free agent deal amounted to about doodly squat. I mean, seriously, Carl Crawford has had less than a career year. And Erik Bedard? Fugetaboutit! It really doesn't matter. The iportant thing is that somebody has got to pay. Even though Francona is really not to blame, he must be ridden out of town on a rail. Who in Hell we are going to replace him with is an irrelevent consideration. Theo needs to go too. Probably he'll head to Chicago. Hell, why not take Tito with him. Win them a World Series. They're due. Papelbon? His head needs to be on a pike at the city limits. Okay, well, at least don't renew his contract. We'll have to keep Papi andWakefield-just because.

Yes, Red Sox nubes, changes are needed. Change is in the air. Sports talk in Boston will be heating up the hot stove early this year. This is what it was always like, every year, before 2004. Perhaps you hadn't heard. You'd better get used to it. At least now maybe I can get seats to a game at Fenway for under $200. It'll be just like old times.

I wonder if I still have Grady Little's number.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em Maine....

I can feel my Glaucoma getting better already, yo....

Thanks Question 5!!

Mitchell Report Revisited

"Andy, I'm ready for my 'Flax-seed Oil' treatment, honey"

SBL#178 Deconstructs the Top 5 News Stories of the Week

Santa's "personal assistant" Misty

Now, I've never been accused of being the most politically savvey guy in the world. As a matter of fact, until recently I thought the term Fatowa referred to the Bounty Hunter on Star Wars that captured Han Solo (turns out that's Bobo Fet). Still, as I've always said, it doesn't take a genius to tell the difference between chicken shit and chicken salad. In that spirit, the staff here at SBL#178 have compiled and spun the top five news stories of the week, and presented them here using small words that are easy to understand. Truth is certainly better than fiction, and that axiom is never more true than when one reads the daily news. In no particular order, we present:

'Army Intelligence' as Oxymoron

In a report this last week, the CIA reported on the status of Iran's nuclear weapons program. It had been consistently maintained over the last five years by the US government that the rogue terrorist state of Iran posed a terror threat as a result of their nuclear enrichment program and potential nuclear weapon arsenal. Turns out in last week's report, however, that Iran had abandoned their nuclear program as far back as 2002. An embarressed state department maintained that Iran was still dangerous, 'just on general principles', but sheepishly admitted their now unilateral sanctions against Iran lacked any real credibility with US allies. The State Dept. also, just in the nick of time, reporedy recanted sanctions against USSR for their missiles in Cuba, their sanctions against the Southern States for their practice of enslaving Blacks, and sanctions against Germany for invading Poland. A high level spokesman for Britain's Prime Minister was quoted as saying, 'yeah, us too'.

Stop, Chavez Time...

In a bold and imaginitive move this week, Venezualan strong man and perrenial US administrative irritant, Hugo Chavez declared that Venezuala be declared another time zone. Nobody seems to know why. We guess it had just been a few days since he had been in the news. In either case, Venzuala, like our neighbor to the north Newfoundland, is a half-hour off the rest of the world. A distraught MC Hammer, when reached for comment claimed Chavez had stolen his idea, and if anybody deserved his own time zone it was the 'Hammer'. Please Hammer, don't hurt 'em.

Oprah-Obama; Obama-Oprah

Oprah Winfied, America's most beloved pompopus winbag (no wait, that's Al Gore) came out and endorsed Democratic hopeful Barack Obama this week. In this stagnant Democratic race for Iowa, nearly a year before America should even be caring about the election at all, it is a pretty desparate sign indeed that this srory is even news. It is, however, and Obama said 'I'll take it'. Oprah's declaration of allegience to the young senator from Illinois securely locked down the middle-aged white women's vote in Iowa, if not the Black vote. Also, reportedly, Oprah gave the entire state of Iowa a Caddilac if they voted for Barack. An obviously upset Hillary Clinted was quoted as saying, 'Oh no you Di'int'!!!!

Paying it Backwards

It was reported from Greensboro North Carolina on Monday that a Starbuck's coffeeshop drive-thru customer offered to pay for the order of the next car in line behind them. The next customer in line, in turn, payed for the order of the next car, and so on for the next car, paying it bacwards, as it were. This human chain of kindness lasted an amazing 100 cars before the chain was broken. The low down dirt bag who reportedly broke the cahin was a mister Ivan Zweiback of nearby Raleigh, who in his spare time skips straight to the 'good bread' leaving his wife the heel, leaves a teaspoon of coffee in the pot at work so he won't have to make a fresh pot, and never, ever puts a new roll of paper towels out when he uses the last one. He is reportedly also a Yankees fan.

Say it Ain't so Barry

The sporting world stands transfixed today as they await tomorrow's 2pm release of the 'Mitchell Report'. The report commission, headed by no other than ace diplomat and erstwhile Mainer George Mitchell, is sure to name names and point fingers about which major-league baseball players took steroids. Stars speculated as being outed include Barry Bonds, Mark McGuire and Jose Cansenco. Now there's a shocker for you: Steroids in Baseball!? Next you're going to tell me Barry Bonds hit all those Home-runs on steroids. Let me see. One year, Bonds is a lithe, light hitting, base stealing threat. The next year, his head is as big as a picnic ham and his testicles are the size of a Hamster's. Probably coicidence. That one year Sammy Sosa and Mark McGuire broke Roger Maris' single season Home-run record, you're now going to tell me they did that on steroids? Say it ain't so. You know my honest opinion is tha that nobody gives a rat's ass. If Barry Bonds hits a Home-run so hard that it actually rips both of his arms from the sockets, that's still good for baseball. Chicks dig the long ball. That's just the way we roll. What next, George? Are you going to tell us that Professional Wrestling is fixed? No you Di'in't!!

Well there you go, this weeks top stories, ripped straight from the headlines. Happy Holidays from your friends at Sufferin' Batsards Local #178. Remember, Jesus loves you....but he likes me best.

PAX

BFC

The editorial staf of SBL#178 apologizes for BFC incessant use of the word Erstwhile. He doesn't really know what it means. He thinks it sounds 'smart'.

SBL#178 De-Obfuscates the Top Five News Stories of the Week-11/30/07

' Rosebuuuuuud'!

As I always say, blogging is like panning for crap on the vast silty riverbed that is the intronet. The comedy gold just writes itself; one merely has to cut and paste, basically. In that spirit, and just in time for the holiday season, here are the top five news stories of the week as seen by the editorial staff here at SBL#178. In no particular order, we offer up the following.

My Name is Osama Bin Laden...

Just in time for Christamas, or maybe Ramaden, or is it Kwaanza, theres a new tape from Terrorist mastermind and shameless self-promoter Osama Bin Laden. In the recently released greatest hits issue, he dishes out his usual diatribe of extremist rap, this time directed at America's NATO allies in Europe. According to SkyNews, the new audio message from the testy turbaned tyrant seeks to 'persuade Washington's NATO allies that the fight for Afghanistan is a losing proposition'. Not exactly a news flash, but none-the-less that's what he said. "The American tide is ebbing, so it is best for you to press your leaders to change their policies," said the the Jivin' Jihadist, sternly admonishing naughty Europeans. As per usual, the CIA and other intelligence agencies are working to verify that the speaker is indeed the fugitive al-Qaida figurehead. One thing the CIA does know is that the new release comes with an extra DVD fully loaded with lots of extra features, including director's comments, interviews, and a completely interactive animated 'Where's Osama' game. 'It makes a perfect stocking stuffer', said the diabolical desert-dwelling despot.

Why in Whoville They Say...

It's no news that our illustrious Vice-President Dick Cheney has had a history of heart problems. To be honest I always felt the evil bastard, who has deftly played Senator Palpatine to Nixon, Reagan and Bush's Darth Vader, never had a heart to begin with. Evidentally, though, he has, and it is out of rhythm frequently. So it was no news the other day that ol' Iron Dick was checked into Bethesda Navel Hospital, to have his heart defibbed a lil' bit. It turns out, though, according to his physician, Dr. Ivan Zwieback, that the Vice-president's heart was not actually out of rhythm, rather it was three sizes too small. The restorative procedure, unfortunately, was a complete success and Cheney was released later that day. Describing the touch and go moments on the operating room table, his doctor was quoted as saying, 'then what happened next, why in Whoville they say, Dick Cheney's heart grew three sizes that day'... Leaving Bethesda, escorted by security, the plucky politician was heard muttering, 'it came without ribbons, it came without tags, it came without packages, boxes or bags'...

An Inconvenient Pain in the Ass

It's the perfect storm of a news story. Al Gore is an insufferable blowhard who has claimed authorship of everything cool in pop culture from the Internet to the Mohito. He has about as much charisma as a big box of paper clips and just can't seem to keep his ever expanding fat ass out of the news, teasing obsequeous liberal democrats with the tantalizing thought of another Gore presidential run in '08. Now with him as a Nobel Laureate, why he's just intolerable, really. Then we have our current Executive, GeorgeII, and sorry all you patriotic Americans, the guy's a Doofus. He's got all of Nixon's nepotism and Reagan's dogma, only without all those brainy ideas and big words to get in the way. The guy couldn't grab his own ass using both hands, gosh!...Anyhow, I don't have a gag for this story, but the thought of those knuckleheads shaking hands in front of cameras for the first time since the 'Hanging Chad' days, holding up the Nobel Prize is just comedy gold. This was the best Presidential photo-op since Japan's Prime Minister Koizumi visited the White House last year and did his Elvis impersonation. George, just shut up and give him his prize; Al, do your part for the environment and close your greenhouse gas emmiting pie-hole.

Don Izzle Back up in Here Dizzle

Erstwhile aging shock jock and irrelevent relic to anyone under fifty, Don Imus returned this week from ignomy, and took to the airwaves on WABC Talk Radio in New York. You'll remember that last year the I-Man made some lighthearted, careless, some would say racist comments about some 'nappy-headed' memebers of the Rutger's Woman Basketball Team. In the ensuing grease-fire, he was pretty much ran out of the media on a rail without mercy, led by none other than Reverend Al Sharpton, who's head is a bit nappy his'self, I must say. Anyway, somehow Imus is making a comeback, and in an effort to drum up publicity and gain ground with the young black audience he likely alienated with his comments, he is going to change his radio image to 'Gangsta' during his new morning radio show. Inside sources say the program is going to be called " Don Izzle, your Main Nizzle, All Around the Hood and up in the Hizzle". Somewhere in Gotham, Rev. Al prepares to get up on his high horse.

Must the Show Go on?

The theaters of the great Broadway in New York apparently will come back alight this week as the long standing stagehand's strike comes to a merciful end. An 11th hour agreement between the theater owners and reps of the Union last night hammered out the details of an agreement, which evidentally had been hung up on the Union's demand for skim milk only for their scheduled hourly Latte breaks. The lights of New York's famous entertainment district had been darkened for weeks as a result of the strike, but now thankfully the good citizens and visitors of the most obnoxious city in the world can once again pay $200 per ticket to see people dancing around dressed as gay cats (not that there's anything wrong with that). Now, personally, I'd rather repeatedly poke myself in the right nipple with a bobby-pin than pay for and sit through a big Broadway show, but I am glad the strike is over and everything can get back to 'normal'. The sooner all those flamboyanly dressed,dancin', show-tune singin' mooks are off the streets, out of the bars and gainfully employed, the safer the streets of the Big Apple will be. Fabuuuuulllooouuuusss!!

Anyway, there they are, our top news stories of the week. As you can see, we're definitely living in complicated times. As I say to myself all the time,'... Where the hell am I going anyway...and why am I in this hand-basket'.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

Managing Executive Editor and Wine-Taster-BFC

More News about Spice Girls...

...and Daddy shouts Hooooorayy!!!

Check out all the juicy deets' on http://rocksellout.com/2007/10/16/spice-girls-encourage-fans-to-wear-underwear/.

I'll tell you what you want, what you reall, really want!!

SBL#178 De-obfuscates the Headlines of the Week 8/31/07

Sometimes, the top news stories just magically transform themselves into comedy gold on their own merits. Ands this week's headlines ar no exception. In no particular order, I offer, as SBL#178 Executive Editor, our slant on the news:

What a Naughty,Bad, Nasty Boy, you are...

Gay scandals involving pious Senators from Idaho are pretty hard to pass up, but I think the press has gotten this one all wrong. For some time, as all you good, decent God a'fearin' Republicans know, the Idaho Statesman, an obviously Pinko-Liberal newspaper from uber-liberal Boise, has had it in for the senior Senator. They have dogged him about 'allegedly' being gay and have printed, time and again, outrageous stories implying as much. Well it comes to no suprise to me that the good Senator was framed last week on a trumped up charge of disorderly conduct for allegedly soliciting sex from an undercover police officer in a Minneapolis airport. It's all a big mistake, I tell ya'. Come on, it could have happened to anybody. How many times has this kind of thing happened to you: you are sitting there in a public men's room. You accidentally drop a piece of toilet paper, then reach over with your foot to brush it within reach. You just so happen to brush against another patron's foot in the process. Then, by chance, you, out of nervous habit, rub the bottom of the stall partition, and gently, but accidentally, sroke the hand of the patron next to you, who just so happens to be an undercover cop. That doesn't mean you're GAY!!! Jeez, can't you see the guy is NOT gay and is happily married?! I mean, not that being gay is bad. Far from it. I'm just saying. It could happen to anyone. Lay off the guy!

http://blogrevolution.com/archives/2007/08/29/2608024.html

You Got Another Thing Coming

Speaking of Gay and Famous, we found out this week that Hard Rock lead singer and frontman of Judas Priest Rob Halford has actually been gay all these years. I know, I know. You could have knocked me over with a feather. But it's true. In an interview in the Advocate this last week, the leather pants and leather biker beanie hat wearing rocker came a'flyin' out of the closet on his chrome covered Harly....Wait a minute...leather pants, leather hat...you don't suppose?...Oh, now I get it. Jeez, I have to admit, I did not see that one coming. You don't suppose that guy from the Village People, do you. Wait, how about Freddie Mercury? Say it ain't so Freddie. Wait,... 'Queen'...Jeez, of course. anyway, like I said, 'not that there's anything wrong with that.

Ri-Co Sua-ve!!

Former-Hispanic American, prolific Bush Yes-Man, and erstwhile Attorny General Alberto Gonzales made the news this week as the Bush Administration dropped him like a smokin' hot Chalupe, after he pretty much embarrassed the president by doing exactly what the president asked him to do. The wire tappin', judge firin', Macho Libre of the Justice Department was kindly asked by the President to step down recently and since the whole friggin' administration is turning out to be a total grease-fire, he was only to glad to do so. Reached for comment about how he was treated by the Bush White House, the plucky Texan said, 'adios, sus Putas Malo'!

Di, Princess Di

You know, when Princess Diana of Wales bit the proverbial big one in a fiery car crash ten years ago, my first jaded cynical reaction was, 'who the hell cares about those pompous Brits and their archaic monarchy. Good riddance to her'. As my old pal Johnny Rotten would have said, 'God save the Queen, and her Fascist Regime'... But alas, time has made me a kinder gentler being. Ten years after her untimely death, I look upon the charming young gal from England and her legacy of hope with a more philosophical eye and a softer heart. As my good friend Sir Elton John, aging British rocker and erstwhile member of the Golden Girls would say, 'It seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind'... Jeez, wait... I'm thinking of Marilyn Monroe. I was right the first time. Who does care about those pompous Brits and their archaic monarchy.

Thirsty Thursdays

Fall is in the air, and the waning days of summer have given way to the to the calls of Academia. All across the country students are returning like Lemmings, or maybe like Swallows at Capapstrano Island, to bucolic college towns across America. Even here in Orono Maine, home of the effete intellectual, students are returning in hordes, taking up my space in check out lines and making traffic intolerable. And with these students comes 'drinking'. Drinking and Partying. Dare I utter it? Underaged drinking, too. Well, this year Colleges and Universities all across our great land have vowed to curb 'bing' drinking and underaged drinking on campuses. I even read in the Boston Globe this week that Framingham College in Mass. is actually going to start scheduling classes on Fridays to cut out the 'Thirsty Thursday' type partying that students engage in, hoping to get a frosty cold jump on the weekend. Wow, they're really laying down the law! What next? Cracking down on sex on campus. What's left to go to school for? Certainly not the overpriced classes, taught by fat, old, bloated, tenured, self-important windbag professors more intent on their research and hitting on college girls than their lectures. Shit. I'd bing drink too. Hey, kids, you're paying for it, so drink up. Just be a little more quiet as you stagger home from Margarita's when you go by my house. Yo!

So there you have it. Ripped from today's headlines. Fair and balanced! Who says you can't find any good news these days. It's just like Grit Magazine. Peace out!

BFC

(for more 'current events', click on 'current events' below)

'The Dude Abides': 5 Stories Last Week that indicate the End of the World

You don't have to read through Revelations sometimes to realise that the world is going straight to Hell in a $120 Longenberger Basket. The older I get, the more crusty, cynical and resigned I get to that fact. Of course, it doesn't help that, indeed, the world IS going to Hell in a hand-basket. If'n you don't believe me, check out these true headlines from last week. In no particular order, I offer you:

The Dude Abides- The web-site Entertainment Earth is now selling a line of Action Figures based on the cult-movie classic, 'The Big Lebowsky'. Yes you too can now own the 8" likenesses of Jeff Bridges, 'Dude' and John Goodman;'s, 'Walter'. They'll probably go along nicely with your totally mint Kirk and Spock Action-figures you got at that San Diego Trekkie Convention last year. Then you might want to consider moving out of your Mom's basement, Travis.

DubaiLand- There's a new Theme Park opening in India called DubaiLand. Chock full of exiting and cultural attractions like feces throwing monkies, syphalytic beggars, rick-shaws, and more feces throwing monkies, this disaster in the making theme park is completely enclosed in glass. An indoor theme park, you ask. Yes, Dubai sounds like it's average daily temperature is 112 degrees. Sounds like a winner, Mahatma!

Dickens World- Speaking of the most stupid idea I have ever heard, this just took the cake from DubaiLand. Dickens World will be a theme park in London, supposedly recreating the effervescent era of ol' Chas Dickens' writings. Disease, Rats, Rat Catchers, and even more beggars than Dubailand will add a festive flair to your experience of literary history. Just don't drink the water. 'It was the best of theme-parks, it was the worst of theme-parks.

Make up your fucking mind Roger- After much wooing from the Red Sox, Yankees, and home team Astros, Rocket Roger Clemmons finally decides to drink the Kool Aid and sign with the Evil Empire for a part time job as their fifth starter. To paraphrase an old song from the 70's, 'Ramblin' boy, why don't you settle down, Boston ain't your kind of town,...' Seriously, if the deal with Roger included a middle relief pitcher, I think it might have been worth it, cuz' the old fat bastard will be dragging his big fat ass by about the fifth inning on every start. Of course Rocket says it's not about the money. Right. I am the Walrus. Coo Coo Ca Choo.

That's a hell of a hat, yo- England's Queen Mum this week made a whirl wind trip through the states, her first in a long time, and here, here it's about time too! To quote another old song from the 70's, 'God save the Queen, we mean it maaaaan'. First the old bag stopped to visit and console the students at Virginia Tech, some of whom thought she was Martha Stewart. Then she stopped at Churchill Downs, coincidentally named after Winston Churchill's drunken Uncle 'Skates', who used to like to bet the Nags. There she got totally bagged on killer Mint Julips and ended up doin a Keg Stand on the infield with Paris Hilton. Awesome. Well, at least she had the hat for the occasion.

Well there you go. If that doesn't prove things are heading south, take a look at Fox TV. Any way, I'm crawling back into my bottle of Bacardi. I know ther's a Mohito left in there somewhere.

Mo-Hiiiiitooo!!!

Peace out,

BFC

Last Ice Fishing of the Year 3/24/07

5 Things you'll do at Camp that you'd You'd Never do at Home

1. Make a distinction between 'breakfast beer' and 'regular beer'.

2. Buy Swisher Sweet cigars, when perfectly good cigars are right there next to them on the shelf.

3. Completely neglect your toothbrush and floss for 2 whole days.

4. Go to bed with the same pair of wool socks you wore in your boots (okay, I do that one at home sometimes).

5. 4 Food Groups: Bacon, Onions, Lil' Debbie's, and Beer.

5a. Did I mention Beer already?

Man, was that ice mealy. Never have I driven a snowmobile and left a water wake. Good time, good Togue, good Trout, good God, let's eat. Next trip, I am wearing my waders and standing in the water waving a stick.

BFC

Happy Birthday BFC !!!!!!

Are ya' one, are ya' two, are ya' three.....

Considering the impending birthday of Founding Editor Bigfoot Chester, this might be an apropos present, considering how many birthday spankings it'll require to count.

Yeeeeeeeeees!

Rock and Roll All Night and Party Every Day...

I discovered a new feature I can use on the Blog, today: I simply label an entry to fit a certain category, for example, 'Celebrity Haiku'. Then when you read the latest entry, and if you like it, you click on the label at the bottom of the post, and you will find other similar entries, for example, more Celebrity Haiku. I have taken the liberty of labelling Daddy's entries as 'It's Daddy Shithead', Jenny's as 'Professor Boylin', most of mine and Muddah's as 'Diatribes', or some of mine are labelled variously. Enjoy.

I knew you'd be fascinated.....Yeah, well fuck you, I thought I was doing you a favour. See if I care.

BFC

Ice Fishing Weekend Fiesta 2/9-2/11/07

-Fishing License= $40

-Ice-fishing Traps= $78

-Assorted Beer and

Lord Calvert Whiskey= $65

-Food for the Weekend= $50

-Gas to drive to Camp= $42

-Assorted Live Bait= $48

Being drunk, pulling a slippery Trout

out of a hole in the ice at 10 below, with frozen hands= $323

Seriously, nothing could've been finer than to be up to fishing camp with my most esteemed fishing cronies, sipping coldies and watching for flagss. That is, except to be up to fish camp in May, fly-fishing, and sipping coldies. Life is good, occasionally, when it doesn't suck. BFC.

I don't think anyone will be laughing at him now...

Leave it to my old home towne, Boston Massachusetts, to seize the headline with ignomy once again. The same city that brings you Mitt Romney, along with Barney Frank, Billy and Whitey Bulger, the Big Dig, the same city that ran future Hall of Famer Roger Clemons out of town on a rail, the same city that tore down the Garden, prompting the Celts and Bruins to lose every subsequent game since, the same city that banned 'Lola' by the Kinks, has brought you the latest debaucle in Homeland Security gone awry.

Apparently, according to the reports I read, there is this show on Cartoon Network, a subsidiary of Turner Broadcasting, called 'Aqua Teen Hunger Force'. Yeah, I know, me neither. Anyway, as part of some ingenious advertising campaign, C.N. apparently placed a number of 'Light Brights', or something that looked like them, around strategicly high traffic spots in the city, like Longfellow Bridge and Boston common. Alert police and Homeland Security agents wisely identified these as Weapons of Mass Destruction and the ensuing panic verily closed the city down for the rest of the day. You've probably read the story by now.

Two network employees are currently under arrest for the 'prank' that Mayor Menino finds 'not funny'. Hey, but think of it this way: if the Cartoon Network is trying to skew older, it was a brilliant piece of promotion. An old Fuck like me is now at least is aware of a show called 'Aqua Teen Hunger Force', and if I had cable, I'd certainly now tune it in.

In a related story, in Los Angeles, alert CIA agents spotted that hot chick from those Monster.com Super Bowl commercials walking on Hollywood Boulevard, and alertly wrestled her breasts to the ground. Talk about your wepons of Mass Destruction!

Meinen Finger Ziehen!

...never say that to my Uncle J.J....

I'm feeling the last few B'log entries are skewing a bit too political, so to get back to a theme a bit more elemental to the Sufferin' Bastard, I offer up... 'Beer'...

As my ol' Da' use to say, "I never refused a drink, except maybe once, and that was over the phone".

True to that!

BFC

Tempest in a Wine-glass: State of the Union Speech 1/23/07

And now, with the Sufferin' Bastard response to President Bush's State of the Union Speech, is SBL#178 Chief Editor, Bigfoot Chester.

For one thing, is it me? Is it just because I'm a devout heterosexual, or is Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi one of the hottest Speakers in a long time? She's still gettin' it done as far as a I'm concerned. Condi Rice, eat your heart out. And don't think this was lost on Dick Cheney, whom I saw at least 4 times giving her the old 'up/down while she was sitting there. Speaking of Cheney, Dick, you crazy magnificent bastard, what is going through your crooked mind while your sittin' there listenning to ol' W? You got this major shit-eatin grin pasted on your face throughout the whole speech. Could it be magical thoughts of a threesome with Pelosi and Senator Clinton? Speaking of Madame Senator from New York, if you rolled your eyes any more vigorously in response to W's speech Hillery, you may have given yourself a small seizure. And Oraka Bauma (sp?), you are one handsome bastard. You got my vote, yo. On the other end of the spectrum, I don't think I'm the first one to ask: could John Kerry look any more like Herman Munster? I don't think so. And speaking of Hawkish Democrats, Leiberman of Connecticutt seemed, by his countneance at the S.O.T.U., as if he has completely lost his 'Joe-mentum'. And speaking of flatulant old Democrats, Ted Kennedy, who looks more and more like a Manatee in a Brooks Brothers suit, fell asleep at least three times during the President's speech. But not ol' John McCain, over on the Republican side, who was sitting next to our own Susan Collins, giving her the ol' nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Way to go New Mexico.

As far as the speech itself, the thing that always really annoys me is the frequent, obsequious and obviously phony rounds of applause every time the President finishes a sentence of any import whatsoever. His speech was interrupted by applause so many times, I said to myself what I NEVER dreamed I would have said about a George W. Bush speech: 'shut up and let the man talk'. Alas, though, when he did talk, I remembered why I had never said that to myself before.

By the way, it was nice to see the President give a shout out to Houston Rockets star Dikembe Mutumbo; Jesus Christ is that guy tall?

I didn't get the whole health insurance initiative idea; either the math was too difficult or I had one too many glasses of wine before speech-time. I'll have to hold judgement on that. I was heartened to know, despite what I had been led to believe by those scurulous Democrats, that we are actually winning the War on 'Terrrrrr'r'. I guess he's right; it would be wrong to cut and run now. Here's a popular idea, W: Instead of sending 25,000 more troops to Bagdad, let's send 25,000 Lead Baloons, and see how that goes over and jacks up your approval ratings. But, that's only until the Iraqi government can take over the job and secure a democratic government...right... that sounds about as likely as my 10 year old daughter balancing our family checkbook.

Hey, doesn't Nigeria have a lot of oil? Let's go and liberate them.

Hey, John Edwards kinda looks like Ryan Seacrest, d'ja ever notice that?

I was happy to hear about W's plan for temporary immigrant workers. Sweet. Now the guy that does my lawn will be back next year.

Well, Hell, I guess you got it under control George. What with the price of groceries higher than Mike Tyson at a random traffic check and oil prices going up and down faster than your daughter Jenna's tube top at a Mardi Gras parade, it's nice to know you have a plan. Oh, and by the way, it's fucking NU-CLE-AR, not NU-CU-LER. And TERR-OR-IST, not TERRR"RST. Goooosh! Damn, my wine is all gone and I have to be up at 5AM for work. 'Lawd love a cheerful giver'.

non illegitimi corrundum

BFC

ALI

"Muhammed, Muhammed Ali,

He floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee,

Muhammed, the black Superman,

He says to the other guy, I'm Ali, catch me if you can"

My very first hero. Before my parents, Carl Yastremzki, John Lennon, Iggy Pop there was Muhammed Ali. He made it look cool to be a Black Muslim, even to a cracker from the suburbs of Boston. Still does. Happy 65th Birthday, champ. Howard Cosell is rolling over in his grave.

Beer and Loathing at the Hyperbole

"Your ass is mine, butt-wad"

"Yeah, well I'll see you after school in the parking lot, ass-munch"

I very much enjoyed watching the highly over-touted San Diego Chargers out mistake the Pats last weekend, helping them move on to the AFC championship game against the Colts. By the way, the Pats record in AFC championship games...uh, undefeated, I think. Also, methinks the Pats have the Colts number, and it is #18. Reserve your tickets for Miami, and Super Bowl XXXVVVIIIXXCMVII.

BFC