Friday, August 31, 2007

SBL#178 De-obfuscates the Headlines of the Week 8/31/07

Sometimes, the top news stories just magically transform themselves into comedy gold on their own merits. Ands this week's headlines ar no exception. In no particular order, I offer, as SBL#178 Executive Editor, our slant on the news:

What a Naughty,Bad, Nasty Boy, you are...

Gay scandals involving pious Senators from Idaho are pretty hard to pass up, but I think the press has gotten this one all wrong. For some time, as all you good, decent God a'fearin' Republicans know, the Idaho Statesman, an obviously Pinko-Liberal newspaper from uber-liberal Boise, has had it in for the senior Senator. They have dogged him about 'allegedly' being gay and have printed, time and again, outrageous stories implying as much. Well it comes to no suprise to me that the good Senator was framed last week on a trumped up charge of disorderly conduct for allegedly soliciting sex from an undercover police officer in a Minneapolis airport. It's all a big mistake, I tell ya'. Come on, it could have happened to anybody. How many times has this kind of thing happened to you: you are sitting there in a public men's room. You accidentally drop a piece of toilet paper, then reach over with your foot to brush it within reach. You just so happen to brush against another patron's foot in the process. Then, by chance, you, out of nervous habit, rub the bottom of the stall partition, and gently, but accidentally, sroke the hand of the patron next to you, who just so happens to be an undercover cop. That doesn't mean you're GAY!!! Jeez, can't you see the guy is NOT gay and is happily married?! I mean, not that being gay is bad. Far from it. I'm just saying. It could happen to anyone. Lay off the guy!

You Got Another Thing Coming

Speaking of Gay and Famous, we found out this week that Hard Rock lead singer and frontman of Judas Priest Rob Halford has actually been gay all these years. I know, I know. You could have knocked me over with a feather. But it's true. In an interview in the Advocate this last week, the leather pants and leather biker beanie hat wearing rocker came a'flyin' out of the closet on his chrome covered Harly....Wait a minute...leather pants, leather don't suppose?...Oh, now I get it. Jeez, I have to admit, I did not see that one coming. You don't suppose that guy from the Village People, do you. Wait, how about Freddie Mercury? Say it ain't so Freddie. Wait,... 'Queen'...Jeez, of course. anyway, like I said, 'not that there's anything wrong with that.

Ri-Co Sua-ve!!

Former-Hispanic American, prolific Bush Yes-Man, and erstwhile Attorny General Alberto Gonzales made the news this week as the Bush Administration dropped him like a smokin' hot Chalupe, after he pretty much embarrassed the president by doing exactly what the president asked him to do. The wire tappin', judge firin', Macho Libre of the Justice Department was kindly asked by the President to step down recently and since the whole friggin' administration is turning out to be a total grease-fire, he was only to glad to do so. Reached for comment about how he was treated by the Bush White House, the plucky Texan said, 'adios, sus Putas Malo'!

Di, Princess Di

You know, when Princess Diana of Wales bit the proverbial big one in a fiery car crash ten years ago, my first jaded cynical reaction was, 'who the hell cares about those pompous Brits and their archaic monarchy. Good riddance to her'. As my old pal Johnny Rotten would have said, 'God save the Queen, and her Fascist Regime'... But alas, time has made me a kinder gentler being. Ten years after her untimely death, I look upon the charming young gal from England and her legacy of hope with a more philosophical eye and a softer heart. As my good friend Sir Elton John, aging British rocker and erstwhile member of the Golden Girls would say, 'It seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind'... Jeez, wait... I'm thinking of Marilyn Monroe. I was right the first time. Who does care about those pompous Brits and their archaic monarchy.
Thirsty Thursdays
Fall is in the air, and the waning days of summer have given way to the to the calls of Academia. All across the country students are returning like Lemmings, or maybe like Swallows at Capapstrano Island, to bucolic college towns across America. Even here in Orono Maine, home of the effete intellectual, students are returning in hordes, taking up my space in check out lines and making traffic intolerable. And with these students comes 'drinking'. Drinking and Partying. Dare I utter it? Underaged drinking, too. Well, this year Colleges and Universities all across our great land have vowed to curb 'bing' drinking and underaged drinking on campuses. I even read in the Boston Globe this week that Framingham College in Mass. is actually going to start scheduling classes on Fridays to cut out the 'Thirsty Thursday' type partying that students engage in, hoping to get a frosty cold jump on the weekend. Wow, they're really laying down the law! What next? Cracking down on sex on campus. What's left to go to school for? Certainly not the overpriced classes, taught by fat, old, bloated, tenured, self-important windbag professors more intent on their research and hitting on college girls than their lectures. Shit. I'd bing drink too. Hey, kids, you're paying for it, so drink up. Just be a little more quiet as you stagger home from Margarita's when you go by my house. Yo!
So there you have it. Ripped from today's headlines. Fair and balanced! Who says you can't find any good news these days. It's just like Grit Magazine. Peace out!
(for more 'current events', click on 'current events' below)

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Celebrity Haiku, Vol.#34: Adios MF

No recuerdo,
Te dije que, no sepa,
Adios,tĂș putas sucias.
-Alberto Gonzales

Al, we hardly knew ye, hombre...