Tuesday, August 29, 2006


Got a bruise on my right leg the shape of Africa

There's a water-stain on my bed room ceiling, looks like Bob Dylan

There's a coffee-stain on my yellow tee-shirt looks exactly like Abe Lincoln

Went to Canada this summer- took a picture of a waterfall-film came back from the developers and you can actually see the face from Edvard Munch's 'Scream' in the waterfall-fucking spooky!

Poured some Maple Syrup on my pancakes this morning; it spread out in the shape of Satan

You see, you see what you want to see and you hear what you want to hear:

Ain't never been to the Grand Canyon. Ain't never heard a tree fall in the Forest.

Know what I mean?

Friday, August 25, 2006

Celebrity Haiku Volume #8

  1. Cat Scratch Fever Baby

Speak English you Lousy Spics

  1. I Loves me Possum Meat

-Terrible Ted Nugent

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Thank you Jesus, Thank you Lord...

I was ridin' home early one Sunday morning, through Bakersfield, when the preacher came on the radio and said, 'you know you always got the Lord by your side". Well, I was so pleased to be informed of this, that I ran 50 red lights, in His honour. Thank you Jesus, thank you Lord.

Hey, if you ever think You're goin' to hell in a handbasket, check out this web-site. You'll feel better, guarenteed.


Well if yer' down on your luck, git a girl with Faaaaar Away Eyes

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Celebrity Haiku Volume 86: Fidel Castro

No soy muerto todavía!
¡Conseguí tu bahía de cerdos derecha aquí!
Verte bastardos más últimos!!
Viva la Revolucione!!

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

I'll Inherit The Earth (but I don't want it)

. . . So as a favor to our intrepid (or maybe I mean inept) news director, I mail some pictures of an armed robbery to the Bangor Daily. The State Police had come to us with some survailence video in hopes that we could enhance it somehow to make the suspect more "recognizable" if you will . . . and mind you, you will, as of this point you have precious few options. I continue. In the spirit of news-fellowship I e-mail these pictures to some cat at the BDN for publication purposes along with a friendly post script . . . "If you have any problems opening these files, give me a call here at the station . . . name and number." Ten minutes later I get a call here at the station . . . .

BDN Guy: "ummmmm hello . . . . . . . . Meek?

Laugh? I nearly died. I suppose that this story would be a lot funnier If I had somehow worked in the odd spelling of my name somewhere prior to the punch line . . . but in the name of sweet anonymity these are the sacrifices we make. At least BFC is smirking . . . no? The rest of you can enjoy the lovely Replacements reference.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

The Land of Shadow

MINAS TIRITH (A.P.) August 12-- United States Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice today announced a plan for the partition of Mordor.

The U.S. led invasion, which led to the toppling of the Dark Lord, Sauron, several years ago, has been bogged down since the liberation of the Land of Shadow, as insurgent orcs, Balrogs, and Fighting Uruk-Hai continue to battle American forces, and drink each others’ blood out of soup tureens.

Sauron, the one-time supreme leader of Mordor, has been awaiting trial since his capture by U.S. forces last year. While at one time the ruler of the One Ring that was designed to “in the darkness bind them,” at the time of his capture, the Dark Lord was found crouching in a hidey-hole eating “Cool Ranch” Cheetos, and reading a Harry Potter book with his Great Eye.

The plan which the Secretary of State announced this week calls for dividing Mordor into three “realms.” The northernmost land, stretching from the Dead Marshes to the far-off Sea of Nurn, to be renamed “Freedomville,” would be administered by the majority orc population, and backed by troops from the European Union; the land in the south, renamed “Libertytown,” would be run mostly by cave-trolls, wicked Southron men, and a special “all drunken” brigade of the Russian Army.

The middle realm, “Evilstan,” which includes the former site of the Dark Tower, Barad-dur, as well as fiery Mount Doom, would be turned into one giant Wal-mart, run by surly teenagers who have to “change the tape” whenever you approach the register.

At the time of the U.S. victory in Mordor, it was hoped that the freed hobgoblins and giant spiders would “welcome U.S. troops as liberators.” Several years into the conflict, however, hope seems to be dimming for the transformation in Mordor that neoconservatives had hoped for, particularly along the firey plains of Gorgoroth, where the roads still have potholes filled with molten lava.

The problem was well summarized by a Mordor insurgent named Ugluk: “We don’t want democracy. What we really want is to drink blood from a giant soup tureen.”

The Bush foreign policy team seems caught off guard somewhat by the reluctance of the population of Mordor to embrace democracy.

“We figured once Sauron had been overthrown, the orcs and trolls would pretty much be ready for the American way of life,” said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. “Instead all they want to do is hit each other over the head with clubs and ride around on giant elephants. Quite frankly we’re a little baffled. We’re like: hello? Don’t you want to eat at an Arby’s instead? Become a contestant on ‘Mordorian Idol?’”

Meanwhile, in Washington D.C., President Bush announced today that the “war on Mordor was going really, really well.”

“These giant spiders and cave troll guys, they hate our freedom,” said the President. “They hate our country music and line dancing.”

Elf Queen Galadriel dismissed this thought angrily. “It’s not about line dancing. It’s about orcs and trolls.”

The U.S. led alliance, “Operation Mordor Freedom” has been precarious since the start.

In Gondor, King Elessar, Aragorn son of Arathorn was reported to have thrown up his hands at the whole mess. “Mordor, Mordor, Mordor,” said the King. “That’s all I ever hear about. What about my new health care plan? ”

King Eomer, over in Rohan, was said to be reconsidering his commitment of two thousand armed men on horseback to the fighting in Mordor, in response to criticism of the alliance with Gondor. “What,” said Eomer. “The Riders of Rohan are supposed to just keep riding around in a circle until a bunch of cave-trolls embrace democracy? Does that sound like a good idea?”

In Lothlorien, Elf-Queen Galadriel denounced both Sauron as well as the Bush policy. “Nobody hates the Dark Lord more than we do,” said the Queen. “But those who seek to control a place like Mordor will, in time, be turned to evil themselves. “ The Elf-Queen sighed. “Like Johnny Damon.”

Meanwhile, in the Land of Shadow, the war drags on.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Salad days Vol. 56: The Auld "Throw Your Lunch Punch" Routine

The following exerpt is from the forthcoming publication 'Men have a Penis, Woman are from Bars', by Bigfoot Chester
It was the Best of times, it was the best of times. It was, as usual, some time in the mid 1980's and I was schlepping along at a job working at a local TV station as a studio camera man for a lame ABC affiliate called WVII-'TV, channel 7, where obviously they would hire anyone. Me and my best buddy Shag van Doggen were making the best of our 15 minutes of local fame trying to pick up on high school girls while taping the local version of American Bandstand called 'Bounty Bandstand', and trying hard not to fuck up the 6 o' clock news, which according to the local Neilson Reports, nobody was watching anyway. Meanwhile, at nights, we were room-mating with another cameraman, Diamond Dave Cleveland at a rustic bungalow right off the University of Maine campus in Orono. We were not students, mind you. We just thought that by getting an appartment right near the student action off campus, we would be getting front-line access to all the hot coed babes Dave could rustle up for us. Pretty good plan.
So anyways, my sister just dusted back into town from a stint at college out in New Mexico. Out there, they sold this marvelous stuff called "Everclear". Everclear, if you've never had the the pleasure, is a 180-something proof grain alcohol beverage. A langorous elixir of lugubrity; a beneficial balm to beutify beastly babes; a potent potion of paralizing prostration.... the stuff would really get you drunk!! I tried a swig of the stuff straight one time and lost my voice for the better part of two hours. It was best enjoyed from a safe distance with plenty of mixer in a well ventilated room. According to instructions passed to my sister from her pals at Tappa Kegga Bru fraternity, the best way to prepare Everclear was in a traditional "Throw your lunch Punch". In a TYLP, you mix up vast quantiies of any majhor drink mix: tropical punch Kool-Aid, Welches Grape Drink, Zarex, anything would do. Then you dump in a bunch of chopped up fruit. Then you open up the Everclear, throw the cap out the window, and dump the contents of the bottle in the large diposable vat you had apportioned for the beverage. Voila! Instant party.
So, one fine day, Shags and I decide to have a Throw your lunch Punch party. We wassle up the usual round of eclectic suspects to come, buy 18 or 20 bags of chips, buy 3 or 4 cases of cheap swill, swamp out the appartment, splash on our best cologne and wait for the good times to begin. Invited guests included some Cindy Lauper wannabes from campus that Dave knew, some under-aged vixens from the Bounty Bandstand that Shag snuck out of their Mom's house, some red-neck neighbors of mine from the old neighborhood, some dope fiends we knew from the local radio station, and some assorted Depeche mode wannabes from the WVII.... a good mix, I thought.
Well, the party was going swimmingly , if not uneventfully, for the early part of the evening. People were mingling, girls were flirting, dudes were hitting. Shag was doing his best Keith Richards imitation, donned in a maroon bathrobe if I recall correctly ( which I probably don't), while Diamond Dave was plying the 'Suzie and the Banshees' set with Coors light and smooth talk. Me, the ever cordial host, was trying to make sure our hillbilly friends were not getting into a fighti with any of our smart-assed TV friends. All was according to plan. Then, as if it were Excaliber, pulled from a stone in shimmering waters of a medievil lake, I remove the sacred bottle of Everclear from the freezer, and begin to prepare the TYLPunch. Into the stainless steel basin goes the ice. Then the two bottles of Zarex and water. Then the carefully prepared blend of tropical fruit. Finally, with an ominous puff of smoke, in goes the bottle of Everclear. Houston... it's GO -TIME.
Well, it didn't take long for the party to take a speedy turn in a southerly direction. Unknown to any of us, as if someone had spiked the proverbial brownies, we all began to experience the beneficial effects of the E.C. . As with any of these type of situations, actual facts may vary from the remembered performance. However, I do remember a couple of unusual things begin to magically happen, like impromptu bouts of slam-dancing and jovial pig-piles involving some of the Bounty girls (most enjoyable). Then, suddenly, this dude we used to call Blaine the Brain started in to bickering with Dave about one thing or another. Evidentally, Blaine had some sort of condition, or affliction, which necessitated him dropping his pants in order to make his point about. Well, one thing led to another, and old Dave and the Brain ended up slipping ana sliding out in the front yard, in the snow and ice, trying in vain to land punches upon one-another. I do distinctly remember my sister, or someone, beseching me to try to break up the fight, but I was too compromised by apoplectic fits of laughter at the two of them out on Main Street, like two cows on skates, trying to beat down the other. I also remember, or I think I remember, a TV being thrown out the back window, and into the street at one point. But that may have actually been another party...yes, yes...that was the ill-fated Patriots vs. Bears Super Bowl Party. But I digress. Anyway, suffice it to say that things got a little 'Jimi Hendrixy' as the night progressed. Now, I could go on about who slept with whom, or who else beat up whom, but that would be conjecture.... or fabrication... or something. It doesn't matter. The real lesson is that I came away with a new found appreciation of the power and majesty of Everclear that day. As I stood back and witnessed the frolicking taking place, and vigorosly rubbed myself to stop that tingley, numb sensation that was quickly running up my arms and legs, I remember thinking to myself, "shlis shlit is shlimply Shlensashional"! And I was right. As I awoke the next morning, pantsless, with NO hangover whatsoever, I'm sure I thought aloud to myself, "man, to think I could be working today.
That's how I remember it, anyway.

Speak roughly to your little boy,
And beat him when he sneezes;
He only does it to annoy,
Because he knows it teases.

Cho.-- Wow! wow! wow!

I speak severely to my boy,
And beat him when he sneezes:
For he can thoroughly enjoy
The pepper when ye pleases!


Lewis Carroll