Salad days Vol. 56: The Auld "Throw Your Lunch Punch" Routine

The following exerpt is from the forthcoming publication 'Men have a Penis, Woman are from Bars', by Bigfoot Chester

It was the Best of times, it was the best of times. It was, as usual, some time in the mid 1980's and I was schlepping along at a job working at a local TV station as a studio camera man for a lame ABC affiliate called WVII-'TV, channel 7, where obviously they would hire anyone. Me and my best buddy Shag van Doggen were making the best of our 15 minutes of local fame trying to pick up on high school girls while taping the local version of American Bandstand called 'Bounty Bandstand', and trying hard not to fuck up the 6 o' clock news, which according to the local Neilson Reports, nobody was watching anyway. Meanwhile, at nights, we were room-mating with another cameraman, Diamond Dave Cleveland at a rustic bungalow right off the University of Maine campus in Orono. We were not students, mind you. We just thought that by getting an appartment right near the student action off campus, we would be getting front-line access to all the hot coed babes Dave could rustle up for us. Pretty good plan.

So anyways, my sister just dusted back into town from a stint at college out in New Mexico. Out there, they sold this marvelous stuff called "Everclear". Everclear, if you've never had the the pleasure, is a 180-something proof grain alcohol beverage. A langorous elixir of lugubrity; a beneficial balm to beutify beastly babes; a potent potion of paralizing prostration.... the stuff would really get you drunk!! I tried a swig of the stuff straight one time and lost my voice for the better part of two hours. It was best enjoyed from a safe distance with plenty of mixer in a well ventilated room. According to instructions passed to my sister from her pals at Tappa Kegga Bru fraternity, the best way to prepare Everclear was in a traditional "Throw your lunch Punch". In a TYLP, you mix up vast quantiies of any majhor drink mix: tropical punch Kool-Aid, Welches Grape Drink, Zarex, anything would do. Then you dump in a bunch of chopped up fruit. Then you open up the Everclear, throw the cap out the window, and dump the contents of the bottle in the large diposable vat you had apportioned for the beverage. Voila! Instant party.

So, one fine day, Shags and I decide to have a Throw your lunch Punch party. We wassle up the usual round of eclectic suspects to come, buy 18 or 20 bags of chips, buy 3 or 4 cases of cheap swill, swamp out the appartment, splash on our best cologne and wait for the good times to begin. Invited guests included some Cindy Lauper wannabes from campus that Dave knew, some under-aged vixens from the Bounty Bandstand that Shag snuck out of their Mom's house, some red-neck neighbors of mine from the old neighborhood, some dope fiends we knew from the local radio station, and some assorted Depeche mode wannabes from the WVII.... a good mix, I thought.

Well, the party was going swimmingly , if not uneventfully, for the early part of the evening. People were mingling, girls were flirting, dudes were hitting. Shag was doing his best Keith Richards imitation, donned in a maroon bathrobe if I recall correctly ( which I probably don't), while Diamond Dave was plying the 'Suzie and the Banshees' set with Coors light and smooth talk. Me, the ever cordial host, was trying to make sure our hillbilly friends were not getting into a fighti with any of our smart-assed TV friends. All was according to plan. Then, as if it were Excaliber, pulled from a stone in shimmering waters of a medievil lake, I remove the sacred bottle of Everclear from the freezer, and begin to prepare the TYLPunch. Into the stainless steel basin goes the ice. Then the two bottles of Zarex and water. Then the carefully prepared blend of tropical fruit. Finally, with an ominous puff of smoke, in goes the bottle of Everclear. Houston... it's GO -TIME.

Well, it didn't take long for the party to take a speedy turn in a southerly direction. Unknown to any of us, as if someone had spiked the proverbial brownies, we all began to experience the beneficial effects of the E.C. . As with any of these type of situations, actual facts may vary from the remembered performance. However, I do remember a couple of unusual things begin to magically happen, like impromptu bouts of slam-dancing and jovial pig-piles involving some of the Bounty girls (most enjoyable). Then, suddenly, this dude we used to call Blaine the Brain started in to bickering with Dave about one thing or another. Evidentally, Blaine had some sort of condition, or affliction, which necessitated him dropping his pants in order to make his point about. Well, one thing led to another, and old Dave and the Brain ended up slipping ana sliding out in the front yard, in the snow and ice, trying in vain to land punches upon one-another. I do distinctly remember my sister, or someone, beseching me to try to break up the fight, but I was too compromised by apoplectic fits of laughter at the two of them out on Main Street, like two cows on skates, trying to beat down the other. I also remember, or I think I remember, a TV being thrown out the back window, and into the street at one point. But that may have actually been another party...yes, yes...that was the ill-fated Patriots vs. Bears Super Bowl Party. But I digress. Anyway, suffice it to say that things got a little 'Jimi Hendrixy' as the night progressed. Now, I could go on about who slept with whom, or who else beat up whom, but that would be conjecture.... or fabrication... or something. It doesn't matter. The real lesson is that I came away with a new found appreciation of the power and majesty of Everclear that day. As I stood back and witnessed the frolicking taking place, and vigorosly rubbed myself to stop that tingley, numb sensation that was quickly running up my arms and legs, I remember thinking to myself, "shlis shlit is shlimply Shlensashional"! And I was right. As I awoke the next morning, pantsless, with NO hangover whatsoever, I'm sure I thought aloud to myself, "man, to think I could be working today.

That's how I remember it, anyway.