"How much d'jya spend for the tickets Trump"?
"Bill, if ya' gotta ask, ya' can't afford 'em"
I know I should be a good sport about this World Series thing. I know, as a long time BoSox fan, how frustrating it can be to loyally follow your home team, stay with them through thick and thin, and patiently wait for your year to come. The Bronx Boners have been long suffering, since way back in 2000, waiting pateintly for their beloved Wankees to bring home the banner. Through good times and bad, they stuck with their stars. Well, except A Rod, that is. Their long wait has ended. The Spanks are the champs. I should be decent about it. I should extend a hand of congratulations and of friendship toward the Crankies and their legion. I should but I won't. I don't care how much of a bitter Boston homer I sound like. To me the Yankees will always Suck. It doesn't matter if they win 47 championships. They will still suck. It is the way of things. It is the order of the universe.
Firstly, Yes I am going to play the payroll card. I know, I know, you say, "but what about the Red Sox payroll, Bigfoot". Nyah, nyah, yes I am quite aware that the Red Sox have a prodigious payroll. Over $122 million, actually. They have the fourth highest payroll in the majors. Obscene, yes. Odoius, yes. But the Yankees, last time I checked, spent almost $210 million. This is an inexcusably high amount. The Yankees drive the bus when it comes to the payroll wars. The Flanks inexhaustable ability to spend cash on marque players like A-Tool push all others in the league to do the same. Not only do the Yankees spend the most, but they also own a good number of the highest of the highly paid players. Rodriguez himself makes more dough per year than all the poor bastards who play for Pittsburg. Plus those slobs have to live in Pittsburg. Actually, at almost $27 million, the Yanks actually pay more in Luxury tax each year than the Pirates pay in salary. The way baseball works, if the Boston Red Sox want to keep up with the likes of the Bronx Bummers, they have to try to keep up by securing overpaid stars, just like the Yanks. Evil yes I know. But MLB doesn't seem to want to share their revenue or cap their salaries like other sports. In 1998, it wasn't the Yankies that led in payroll. It was the Baltimore Orioles. The lowly Orioles. In that year, the O's paid Robbie Alomar, Cal Ripken and their pals a paultry $74 million total. The Yaks were a distant 2nd at $73 million plus. In the short time since then, the Yankees have tripled their payroll. With exponential spending like that, it is a major gaff that they do not win every year.
The worst thing about getting in a baseball discussion with Yankee fans, is when they invoke "27". Yes, yes, we are all quite aware that the Yankees now have 27 championships. It is the one thing a Red Sox fan cannot answer to. It is inarguable. It is an immutable truth. They have won a considerable number of championships. But think about the pictures of all those Yankee World Series celebrations. How many of those photos are in black and white, not color. To a large degree, the Yankees illustrious history is just that. History. Okay, well this year's banner aside. Besides that, they still suck! Just because evil enjoys success, it is no less evil. Witness Duran Duran. Witness Simon Cowell and the Spice Girls. Evil exists, my friend. Take a look in the stands at Yankee Stadium the other night. Regis Philbim, Donald Trump, Kate Hudson, JayZee, Mary J. Blige. JayZee, for Christ's sake!!! No wonder evryone hates the Yankees. Oh yes, Yankee fans, we all hate your team. Except for however many million there are of you in "Yankee Nation", the rest of us hate your team. I know that doesn't sound very sportsman like of me, but alas, I cannot lie. I would be betraying my upbringing, my history and myself. I would be betraying Sully from Southie and Fitzie from Quincy. I would be betraying Nick from the North End. I would be betraying my ol' Paba, in who's garage I used to spend countless hours listenning to Ned Martin and Ken Coleman call the play by play, while he tinkered on a car. To congratulate the Yankees would be to betray my Biology teacher, Mr.Lane, who dragged a TV into his class one fateful fall day in 1978, to let us watch the one game playoff, when Bucky Fuckin' Dent hit a wall ball homer off Mike Fuckin' Torrez, and ended another bitter year for the Olde Town Team. To concede to the Yankees would be to turn my back on Ken 'the Hawk' Harrelson, 'Boomer' Sott, 'Teddy Ballgame', or 'Captain Carl'. "Not agonna doit' as old George Bush used to say.
So sip your champagne Yankee boys. Sit in your chair on the Letterman show. Enjoy your little Duck Boat parade. Enjoy your visit with the President. I'm not gonna cheer for you. We'll be here next year. I'll be here. Sully from Southie and Fitzie from Quincy will be here. Theo Epstein will be here too, and he'll be ready with his wallet. You'll spend. We'll spend. A lot! Of course Pittburg and Kansas City are already mathematically eliminated, but who the hell cares.
Victory is yours. Now let us not speak of it again. To paraphrase WCBS radio play by play host, John Sterling, "Theeeeee Yakees suck...theeeeeeee Yankees Suck!"
This is going to be a long year.
