Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Celebrity Haiku Vol.#19

Yo, Fight the Power
Man, I Really need a Gig
Yeeeeyyyeeeaaaa Booyyeeee!!!!
-Flavor Flav*
*okay, when we say 'celebrity', we're kind of stretching it this time.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Joke of the Week: Middle School Edition

It may be the canary in the coal mine of this b'log, but I'm getting this week's joke from my very own first-born, Evil Weirdo (check out evilweirdo.blogspot.com ). Good stuff. That's my boy.

So Goldilocks is walking through the forest and she approaches the home of the Three Bears. They, of course, are out for a walk, and Goldilocks, being curious and hungry, goes into the house and tries the Porridge. One is too hot, one too cold, etc. Tired, she rest on their respective three chairs, one too soft, too hard, etc. In need of a nap, she goes upstairs to the Bears' bedroom, and 'what'th..", it's the Three Little Pigs lying down in the vacated beds of the wandering bears. Aghast, Goldilocks exclaims, "What in the world are YOU three doing here"? And one of the Pigs replies...

Waiiiit for it....

"Oh, didn't you know? This is a TWO Story House"!

We're Young and, uh, Rock Will Rule!

....a buddy (who plays in a local death-metal band) laid this on me today while trying to explain the subtle differences of various metal singing styles . . .

"look...there's only so many ways you can play an open-chord-chug with double-bass and try to grunt over it . . ."

That really needs to find it's way onto a t-shirt like pronto-tonto.

rock on dudes!

Tuesday, February 20, 2007


When you're in need of a friend indeed. We're Fuckin' here for you, brother. Help is only a click away.

Your Sufferin' Bastards Monthly Horoscope

Aries (3/20 to 4/18)-
This week you will be at your most creative. Think of taking up that Yoga class a friend told you about. You absolutely intend to pick up your wife a lovely Valentine's Day gift, but at the last minute, Iraqi Insurgents ruin the whole idea. Bastards!
Taurus (4/19 to 5/20)-
You will face a situation where you must summon the courage necessary to do what is right. Be a man. Take the blood test. Only you are the true father of Anna-Nicole's love-child. It's the right thing to do. Oh yeah, and financial opportuniy awaits you this weekend.
Gemini (5/21 to 6/20)-
Creature comforts dictate your level of happiness this week. Beware of jealousy with a loved-one. You will desire to check yourself into rehab, shave your head bald, and get a tatoo of 'lips' on your arm this week. Bad idea.
Cancer (6/21 to 7/22)-
Communication is the key this week Cancer. Beware of internet scams. You will accidentally donate $100 to Al-Quaeda thinking you were helping the campaign of Barack Obama. Whoops.
Leo (7/23 to 8/22)-
Your love life will be a shambles this week, unfortunately. You will suffer more cancellations this weekend than 'Jet Blue' Airlines, and a committee of your old girlfriends will draft a 'daters' bill of rights prompted by your romantic ineptitude.
Virgo (8/23 to 9/22)-
Things will seem to go your way these days. It may sound petty, but you will be excited to hear that your ex-wife goes nutso, shaves her head bald, gets a tattoo and has a public meltdown. Yes! The sweet wine of vindication! Sales of your rap album sky-rocket.
Libra (9/23 to 10/22)-
Pay attention to details Libra, at the cost of peril. You will contemplate drafting a non-binding resolution to stop surfing the intronet for Porn, but will reconsider, tabling any debate on the matter indefinitely. God Bless America. Oh yeah, and call your Mom Tuesday.
Scorpio (10/23 to 11/21)-
Your past rears its ugly head, indiscreet Scorpio, when an old video from college is relaeased showing you, dressed in drag, being fondled by a Frat buddy. Damn that Trump! Kiss your GOP presidential aspirations good-bye.
Sagitarius (11/22 to 12/21)-
Your past rears its ugly head, indiscreet Sagitarius, when an old 2002 video from C-Span shows you voting to send troops to Iraq, after you have been incessantly Kvetching about a non-binding resolution to refuse more troops all week. Kiss your Democratic presidential aspirations good-bye.
Capricorn (12.22 to 1/19)-
Take notes of any vivid dreams you have had recently. They will aid in your intuitive side. Think about giving up processed cheese for the Lenten season. Jesus and your bowels will thank you.
Aquarius (1/20 to 2/18)-
Outward appearances will be important as you either vie for a new career opportuniy or are introduced to a new friend. It will be a slow week, socially. You will read about a Micheal Moore/ Al Gore film festival playing in your home-town. What the hell; go see it.
Pisces (2/19 to 3/19)-
Be open-minded this week, Pisces old buddy. Unfaithful readers of your blog will draft a non-binding resolution to stop you from doing this Horoscope bit over and over, but remember: to debate this issue would be un-American. And besides: it's only a non-bindind resolution. Oh yeah, and that nagging pain in your prostate: check it out.
SBL#178 would like to remind you that Bigfoot Chester is neither a trained Astrologist or a licensed counselor. Non Illegitimi Corrundum.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Sufferin' Bastards' Valentines Day Excuses

You may be a Sufferin' Bastard if you used one of these top 5 excuses for forgetting to get your spouse a Valentine's Day gift last week:

1. I was going to send you 20,000 Red Roses, but the Democratically controlled Senate voted it down.

2. I had a lovely diamond necklace picked out for you, but at the last minute, Iraqi insurgents ruined everything.
3. I had to go to the Bahmas to supply a DNA sample to see if I was Anna-Nicole Smith's baby's father.
4. I was brokering a deal to get the Police back together for the Grammies.
5. Global Warming?...

Friday, February 16, 2007

Searched the archives for Jet video

Although I can't tell for sure, this could be the no show wonders-Pavlov's Dogs-JET.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

St. Valentine's Day Massacre 1980 (I think)

Today, rock fans, is the umpteenth anniversary of the Greatest Band that Never Was, the band that put the Pete Best in Beatles, put the Brian Jones in the Rolling Stones, the band that stood up so many gigs, it'd make George 'no-show' Jones blush with pride, ...my friends I present,... Pavlov's Dogs.

Starting out in the fertle crescent of Newport/ Palmyra Maine in the late '70's, a skinny Catholic boy named Daddy and a red-necked pothead from Hartland named Shibles formed the band 'Vintage' and began forging the musical style and beat that would soon shock a nation. They were subsequently joined by a large breasted female drummer, Tal, and changed their name to 'Jet, and began writing there own controversial original songs, recording their much heralded first album 'Don't Stop'. Jet soon solicited the services of a mega-cephalic, but dim-witted farmboy-bass player from Liverpool by the name of Yo Hennessy. Yo soon forced Daddy to fire Shibles and hire his ner'do-well gas station attentant friend Spot to take over the lead guitar role. Despite the fact that Spot couldn't play a lick, Jet recorded their second album, their hugely popular, 'Live at Carla Starbird's Wedding'. At the recording sessions, Tal fell in love with Bob, the best man, became pregnant, got married, and soon left the band. Jet, at this point, was so popular that gigs were lining up at the office of their manager, Elrod. They had no drummer, but Elrod couldn't say no, and since they were not actually paying gigs, it was easy to not show up for them. They nearly played at the Sesquacentennial celebration of Newport Maine, barely missed playing at the Annual Etna-Dixmont School Talent Show, and were actually advertised to play at the Bangor State Fair. After some unfavorable publicity, Yo suggested renaming the band 'Pavlov's Dogs' after a line in a Rolling Stones song. The dim-wit hadn't heard of Ivan Pavlov, or his dog, but he thought the name had a 'ring' to it. The band still had no drummer, so they decided to follow their previous marketing strategy of lining up gigs and not showing up at the last minute. Soon, word began to spread, and Pavlov's Dogs were the hottest band in the land. And don't think this was lost on Linwood Nugent, owner of the famed Navigator Hotel in Rockland. Their 'Rockland' sessions are now legend, and their 'Rockin' in Rockland' EP was the quintesential 'accoustic live' album, long before MTV 'unplugged' in the 1980's.

A long string of smash albums and a long string of drummers followed, including the troubled but talented Gerry Bejork, formerly of 'Emerson, Lake and Bejork'. Eventually, what caught up with Pavlov's Dogs is what eventually kills all Rock and Roll: Adulthood. It became increasingly harder to keep a drummer. Daddy decided to join the Jesuits. Spot joined the US Army. Yo, sick to death of being knick-named after a Sylvetser Stallone character, jumped in a lake and broke his neck; sounds like Brian Adams song, dud'n'it? The Dogs ended their illustrious career with ignomy by recording their 'Bark Mulch Hate-Fuck-Live at Grouchy Marx' in 1994. Lightly attended, this session was the obvious death knell of a once throbbing rockandroll organ of love.

Not much has been heard from the members of P-Dogs lateley, except around this time of year, when rumours of a reunion tour perennially crop up. As for this reporter, I hope and pray it happens, just for old time's sake, just so the bastards can not show up again. As Pete Townsend said, 'I hope I get old before I die'.

Peace, BFC

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Ice Fishing Weekend Fiesta 2/9-2/11/07

-Fishing License= $40
-Ice-fishing Traps= $78
-Assorted Beer and
Lord Calvert Whiskey= $65
-Food for the Weekend= $50
-Gas to drive to Camp= $42
-Assorted Live Bait= $48
Being drunk, pulling a slippery Trout
out of a hole in the ice at 10 below, with frozen hands= $323
Seriously, nothing could've been finer than to be up to fishing camp with my most esteemed fishing cronies, sipping coldies and watching for flagss. That is, except to be up to fish camp in May, fly-fishing, and sipping coldies. Life is good, occasionally, when it doesn't suck. BFC.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

How did we manage this?

I heard something today that made me stop and think-

At one point in our history women were not allowed to vote-
We had a vote to allow women to vote...and lost!

how, how did that happen?

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Celebrity Haiku Vol.#89: "Ripped from the Headlines"

Flyyyyy me to the Mooon...

And Let me Liiiive among the Stars...

DIE You Lesbo Bitch!!!

-Cpt. Lisa Nowak

I don't think anyone will be laughing at him now...

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Leave it to my old home towne, Boston Massachusetts, to seize the headline with ignomy once again. The same city that brings you Mitt Romney, along with Barney Frank, Billy and Whitey Bulger, the Big Dig, the same city that ran future Hall of Famer Roger Clemons out of town on a rail, the same city that tore down the Garden, prompting the Celts and Bruins to lose every subsequent game since, the same city that banned 'Lola' by the Kinks, has brought you the latest debaucle in Homeland Security gone awry.

Apparently, according to the reports I read, there is this show on Cartoon Network, a subsidiary of Turner Broadcasting, called 'Aqua Teen Hunger Force'. Yeah, I know, me neither. Anyway, as part of some ingenious advertising campaign, C.N. apparently placed a number of 'Light Brights', or something that looked like them, around strategicly high traffic spots in the city, like Longfellow Bridge and Boston common. Alert police and Homeland Security agents wisely identified these as Weapons of Mass Destruction and the ensuing panic verily closed the city down for the rest of the day. You've probably read the story by now.

Two network employees are currently under arrest for the 'prank' that Mayor Menino finds 'not funny'. Hey, but think of it this way: if the Cartoon Network is trying to skew older, it was a brilliant piece of promotion. An old Fuck like me is now at least is aware of a show called 'Aqua Teen Hunger Force', and if I had cable, I'd certainly now tune it in.

In a related story, in Los Angeles, alert CIA agents spotted that hot chick from those Monster.com Super Bowl commercials walking on Hollywood Boulevard, and alertly wrestled her breasts to the ground. Talk about your wepons of Mass Destruction!