Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
So Goldilocks is walking through the forest and she approaches the home of the Three Bears. They, of course, are out for a walk, and Goldilocks, being curious and hungry, goes into the house and tries the Porridge. One is too hot, one too cold, etc. Tired, she rest on their respective three chairs, one too soft, too hard, etc. In need of a nap, she goes upstairs to the Bears' bedroom, and 'what'th..", it's the Three Little Pigs lying down in the vacated beds of the wandering bears. Aghast, Goldilocks exclaims, "What in the world are YOU three doing here"? And one of the Pigs replies...
Waiiiit for it....
"Oh, didn't you know? This is a TWO Story House"!
"look...there's only so many ways you can play an open-chord-chug with double-bass and try to grunt over it . . ."
That really needs to find it's way onto a t-shirt like pronto-tonto.
rock on dudes!
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Sunday, February 18, 2007
1. I was going to send you 20,000 Red Roses, but the Democratically controlled Senate voted it down.
Friday, February 16, 2007
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Starting out in the fertle crescent of Newport/ Palmyra Maine in the late '70's, a skinny Catholic boy named Daddy and a red-necked pothead from Hartland named Shibles formed the band 'Vintage' and began forging the musical style and beat that would soon shock a nation. They were subsequently joined by a large breasted female drummer, Tal, and changed their name to 'Jet, and began writing there own controversial original songs, recording their much heralded first album 'Don't Stop'. Jet soon solicited the services of a mega-cephalic, but dim-witted farmboy-bass player from Liverpool by the name of Yo Hennessy. Yo soon forced Daddy to fire Shibles and hire his ner'do-well gas station attentant friend Spot to take over the lead guitar role. Despite the fact that Spot couldn't play a lick, Jet recorded their second album, their hugely popular, 'Live at Carla Starbird's Wedding'. At the recording sessions, Tal fell in love with Bob, the best man, became pregnant, got married, and soon left the band. Jet, at this point, was so popular that gigs were lining up at the office of their manager, Elrod. They had no drummer, but Elrod couldn't say no, and since they were not actually paying gigs, it was easy to not show up for them. They nearly played at the Sesquacentennial celebration of Newport Maine, barely missed playing at the Annual Etna-Dixmont School Talent Show, and were actually advertised to play at the Bangor State Fair. After some unfavorable publicity, Yo suggested renaming the band 'Pavlov's Dogs' after a line in a Rolling Stones song. The dim-wit hadn't heard of Ivan Pavlov, or his dog, but he thought the name had a 'ring' to it. The band still had no drummer, so they decided to follow their previous marketing strategy of lining up gigs and not showing up at the last minute. Soon, word began to spread, and Pavlov's Dogs were the hottest band in the land. And don't think this was lost on Linwood Nugent, owner of the famed Navigator Hotel in Rockland. Their 'Rockland' sessions are now legend, and their 'Rockin' in Rockland' EP was the quintesential 'accoustic live' album, long before MTV 'unplugged' in the 1980's.
A long string of smash albums and a long string of drummers followed, including the troubled but talented Gerry Bejork, formerly of 'Emerson, Lake and Bejork'. Eventually, what caught up with Pavlov's Dogs is what eventually kills all Rock and Roll: Adulthood. It became increasingly harder to keep a drummer. Daddy decided to join the Jesuits. Spot joined the US Army. Yo, sick to death of being knick-named after a Sylvetser Stallone character, jumped in a lake and broke his neck; sounds like Brian Adams song, dud'n'it? The Dogs ended their illustrious career with ignomy by recording their 'Bark Mulch Hate-Fuck-Live at Grouchy Marx' in 1994. Lightly attended, this session was the obvious death knell of a once throbbing rockandroll organ of love.
Not much has been heard from the members of P-Dogs lateley, except around this time of year, when rumours of a reunion tour perennially crop up. As for this reporter, I hope and pray it happens, just for old time's sake, just so the bastards can not show up again. As Pete Townsend said, 'I hope I get old before I die'.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Flyyyyy me to the Mooon...
And Let me Liiiive among the Stars...
DIE You Lesbo Bitch!!!
-Cpt. Lisa Nowak
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Leave it to my old home towne, Boston Massachusetts, to seize the headline with ignomy once again. The same city that brings you Mitt Romney, along with Barney Frank, Billy and Whitey Bulger, the Big Dig, the same city that ran future Hall of Famer Roger Clemons out of town on a rail, the same city that tore down the Garden, prompting the Celts and Bruins to lose every subsequent game since, the same city that banned 'Lola' by the Kinks, has brought you the latest debaucle in Homeland Security gone awry.
Apparently, according to the reports I read, there is this show on Cartoon Network, a subsidiary of Turner Broadcasting, called 'Aqua Teen Hunger Force'. Yeah, I know, me neither. Anyway, as part of some ingenious advertising campaign, C.N. apparently placed a number of 'Light Brights', or something that looked like them, around strategicly high traffic spots in the city, like Longfellow Bridge and Boston common. Alert police and Homeland Security agents wisely identified these as Weapons of Mass Destruction and the ensuing panic verily closed the city down for the rest of the day. You've probably read the story by now.
Two network employees are currently under arrest for the 'prank' that Mayor Menino finds 'not funny'. Hey, but think of it this way: if the Cartoon Network is trying to skew older, it was a brilliant piece of promotion. An old Fuck like me is now at least is aware of a show called 'Aqua Teen Hunger Force', and if I had cable, I'd certainly now tune it in.
In a related story, in Los Angeles, alert CIA agents spotted that hot chick from those Monster.com Super Bowl commercials walking on Hollywood Boulevard, and alertly wrestled her breasts to the ground. Talk about your wepons of Mass Destruction!