Friday, September 28, 2007

Celebrity Haiku Volume #3, "-------"

To mime the wind
One becomes a tempest
I REALY hate mimes
-Marcel Marceau 3/22/23-9/23/07

Monday, September 17, 2007

Slapshot revisited...

Submitted by my ol' cousin I-Dog. Reminds me of an old joke:' What does a Polish girl and a Hockey player have in common? They can both go three periods with out changing their pads'!!!

Anyway, kudos, Big Dog...

The cockiest,dirtiest, most irresponsibe group of athletes in the world. Will do anything just to be able to tell his teammate a great story in the locker room. Live the dream until they are 35 and then realize they never made it. Ladies love us, guys want to be us, we are the soul of the universe.
You lace up the skates, strap on the helmet, put on the gloves, and walk on to the ice and nothing else matters. It doesn't matter that you failed a test, your girl is being a bitch, or that you got a ticket on the way there.... your world is absolutely perfect for the next couple hours.
So heres to face-offs, goals, assists, breakaways, going top corner, going 5-hole,overtime, cold rinks, early mornings, late nights,on the road, new skates, practice, puking, thousands of dollars, dangling D-men, end to end rushes,big hits, broken twigs, packing bombs, dropping the mitts, wheelin' broads,coaches, adding the letter "y" to the end of everyones last name,the word "fuck", pick up, tape to tape,let downs, miracles, and most of all-the game of Hockey.

-Ian McMullin, the king of the cross-check

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

News of the World- Week of 9/11

Terrorist master-mind Osama Bin Laden,

looking absolutely fabulous in his new make-over (AP photo)

I apologize in advance for posting a few SBL#178 entries in a row of with an overtly political nature. I'm not a particularly astute person, politically speaking. To be honest, until recently I thought the 'Middle East' meant Ohio and Indiana. Likewise, recently a friend told me Hammas is a Muslim political group, not a delicious sandwich spread made from Chickpeas. Be that as it may, a farce is a farce, and sometimes you have to go with what presents itself. So, in that spirit, here are, presented for you, in a pre-de-obfuscated format, the top five news headlines, as we see them at SBL#178. Enjoy.

Queer Eye for the Muslim Guy

A new video of Osama bin Laden was released this week making no overt threats against the United States but boasting about the devastating impact the 2001 terror attacks on the nation--AND showing the uber-evil Despot sporting a hip new look. In the video, the terrorist mastermind and well known extremist wet-blanket, was shown wearing a sassy silk turbin, trimmed beard with just a touch of 'Just for Men', and, if I'm not mistaken, some-body had been exfoliating. In a rambling 30-minute speech addressed to Americans, bin Laden references the attacks on New York and Washington several times, almost gloating about policy changes by the U.S. government in response, and 'calls out' George Clooney, personally challenging him for the throne of 'People Magazine, Sexiest Man Alive'. Clooney could not be reached for comment.

'Law and Order' Back in the White House

Tennessee Senator, and erstwhile stodgy character actor Fred Dalton Thompson, threw his hat into the GOP ring this last week on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Making the announcent that he would indeed be running for president prompted many to speculate why now, why had he waited, and just what can he add to the debate. Well I say unto you, liberal Democratic detractors, this: one short look at his venerable record will easily show you what makes Fred Thompson the right man at the right time for America. His long running role on 'Law and Order, Special Victims Unit' shows Fred to be a man of honesty and integrity who can make the tough decisions that need to be made. His supporting role in 'Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World' (2005, co-starring with Albert Brooks) shows him to be a keen student of the Middle East mind. His role in 1994's smash hit, 'Baby's Day Out' shows his commitment to children and families. His appearance on the long-running TV hit 'Sex and the City' shows that he is the candidate who can skew young to the sassy Gen-X crowd. Likewise, his 2 stellar appearances on Andy Griffith's 'Matlock' shows he can appeal to the older folks as well. He even played a president, Ulysses S. Grant, on last year's 'Bury my Heart at Wounded Knee', showing him sensitive to Native Americans, and as well, I'll bet, to other ethnic minorities. I'm tellin' you, he's the man who can take down Rudy and go up against the Multi-headed Hydra of Hillary-Barack-Orhodam-Obama-Clinton. Well, okay, technically, I have no idea about his actual voting record or anything. But he looks presidential, boyee. And as we all know by now, that's all that matters.

The Norweigan Blue's Got Beautiful Plumage...

Excerpts from today's Boston Globe:
'Brandeis University scientist Irene Pepperberg knew that Alex, an African gray parrot whose advanced language and recognition skills shattered science's understanding of the avian brain, would not be around forever to greet her in her lab each morning. But his sudden death Thursday after 30 years of research has left Pepperberg and fellow researchers shocked, scrambling to piece together the remaining data from their latest work with the bird, and feeling as if they had lost a colleague'...

'Emotionally, his development was similar to that of a 2-year-old. Intellectually, he had the brain of a typical 5-year-old'.

'What is clear is that the bird had not reached a plateau in his cognitive development, Pepperberg said. As recently as this year, Alex was demonstrating the ability to take distinct sounds from words he knew and combine them to form new words'.

'Just last month, he pronounced, for the first time, the word seven. "We were working on some really interesting things," Pepperberg said'.

In a related story, school districts around the country are being consolidated to save money, teachers' entry-level salaries are substandard, and after years of 'No Child Left Behind' efforts, even strong proponents of standardized testing admit skills for public school students are diminishing rapidly. Many students in the United States graduate from high school unable to read or write... Still, that's pretty sad about that genius parrot dying and all.

Hsu are you, Hsu, Hsu, Hsu, Hsu...

Norman Hsu is a naughty boy. We all know this. As Larry Craig, soon to be erstwhile Idaho Senator and men's room densison, would say, he's a naughty, bad, nasty boy. Hong Kong born, later US naturalized, Hsu has had a questionable record during his meteoric rise to riches. He has been linked several times with organized crime, and even worse, has donated tens of thousands of his dirty dollars to Democratic political campaigns, notably Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. News of Hsu's sketchy, though lucrative endorsements, leaked recently, causing mad scrambling and rapid distancing from parties involved. Hsu was dropped like a smoking hot plate of fried rice and all the money given to the respective campaign coffers were promptly and sanctimoniously donated to charity. A spokesman for the Bush administration almost was reached for comment, but then remembered the 2001 Inauguration, when standing behind the president, a'smilin' and a'wavin', was Ken Lay and Jeff Skilling, who donated 100 grand or so themselves. I don't remember which charity that $ was donated to.

Deja Vu All Over Again

It was 1978. Baseball's All-Star break had just come to an end, and the Red Hot Red Sox had a seemingly insurmountable 14-1/2 game lead over the uber-evil New York Yankees. Confidence was at an all time high in Beantown. But alas, in September, after an horrific July and August, the Red Sox found themselves at a virtual tie with the Evil Empire. Because of a schedule anomoly, it came down to a one-game play off between Boston and New York to see which team would go on to the playoffs, and the World Series. In the end, it was a diminutive shortstop, named Bucky Fucking Dent who did the Sox in, homering over the Green Monster after being served up a pumpkin-sized Mike Torrez curve ball. Sox fans would have to wait another 8 long years before having their hearts ripped out in the playoffs, a la Buckner, 1986 and Mookie Fucking Wilson.

Today, the Red Sox find themselves 5 games ahead of the contemptible clouters from Gotham. Only the Tampa Bay Devil Rays stand between Boston and a 3 game series against the Yanks. Please, does anyone know the Heimlich Maneuver?!

Celebrity Haiku Volume #45: Rhino Rudy

Do not tell me you Democrats can't go up against this guy.

Romney, what Romney.

If all fails, invoke 911.

"R" in name only.

-Rudolf 'Roooodie' Guiliani