Saturday, November 26, 2011

Tempest in a Wine Glass:SBL#178 De-Obfuscates the Top 5 News Story of the Week

"Be afraid, be very afraid''

Someone once said 'it doesn't take a genius to tell the difference between chicken shit and chicken salad'. Well, it's true, and the axiom is never more true than when you skim through the news headlines of the day. Surfing for news on the intronet is like panning for gold: the comedy just writes itself. Now, I've never been the most politically astute person around. As a matter of fact until recently I thought "Eurozone" referred to a popular porn site. Be that as it may, armed with a bottle of cheap Cabernet, I, and the editorial staff at SBL#178 sat down recently to de-obfuscate the top news stories of the week. I know the news can be obfuscative, so it our journalistic duty to de-obfuscate it, if for no other reason than to overuse the word obfuscate. So, with that in mind, we present, in no particular order, the top stories of the week.

Alabama Getaway

On Nov. 16, a European businessman paying a visit to his company’s manufacturing plant near Tuscaloosa, Alabama, was pulled over for driving a rental car without a tag.
The police officer asked the man for his license, but the only paperwork he had with him was a German I.D. card. Anywhere else in the nation, the cop might have issued the man a citation. Not in
Alabama, where a strict new law requires police to look into the immigration status of people detained for routine traffic violations. Because the man couldn’t prove he had the right to be in the U.S., he was arrested and hauled off to the police station. The businessman turned out to be an executive with Mercedes-Benz, one of Alabama’s prized manufacturers, Bloomberg Businessweek reports in its Nov. 28 issue. The Mercedes plant employs 3,400 people, and the company’s much-heralded decision in 1993 to build cars in the state encouraged Hyundai, Honda, and Toyota to follow. Mercedes has downplayed the incident, calling it “unfortunate” and refusing further comment. Yet word of the arrest spread quickly through the state, amplifying a growing sentiment among many politicians, business owners and citizens that the immigration law, intended to drive off undocumented workers and free up jobs for the unemployed, is too strict and damages Alabama’s reputation as a place to do business.

“I was really embarrassed and overwhelmed,” says state Senator Gerald Dial, who previoiusly unequivocally voted for the law. “Mercedes has done more to change the image of Alabama than just about anything else. We don’t want to upset those people.” It was an honest mistake. We thought he was Mexican".

No Es Occupado

"Is it equitable that 99 should suffer for the extravegance or grandeur of one, especially when it is considered that men frequently owe their wealth to the impoverishment of their neighbors"(New York Gazette 1763).

Okay, I get it, the whole rich versus poor, Robin Hood appeal of the "Occupy" movement a'sweepin' the nation these days. I really don't like the rich bastards that have submarined our economy for the last ten years either. But here's a news flash for you kids: since the very beginning, our great democratic nation has, at it's heart, always been a corporate oligarchy.That hasn't ahanged kids, and it's not going to, despite the noble efforts of all the stinky assed, Patchouli wearing, tarpaulin tenting occupiers from NYC to San Francisco. But go ahead, hippies, rage...rage againt the dying of the light...or against the machine...or something to that effect. I'm with you. At least in spirit. However I think, this time they've gone to far. Outside malls in large west coast cities like San Fran and Sacremento, occupyers beseeched lust filled shppoers passing by their encampments to abstain from the capitalistic orgy that is Black Friday.As if that is going to happen. As ambivelent as the average person feels about the Occupy movement, I would say their pleas fell on deaf ears, not to mention armed shoppers (see story below). Alexander Hamilton laughs in his grave.

Freaky Friday

15 people pepper sprayed at a WalMart in the early hours of Friday-Insane

A suspicious item, thought to be a bomb, was found and dispatched in a Wal Mart in Cave Creek Arizona-Whacko

55-year-old shopper was shot and wounded during a robbery near a Walmart in Myrtle Beach, S.C.-unbelievable

Getting the brand new X-Box 360 before anyone else, at a great low Wal Mart cost-"PRICELESS"

Well, I know one God damned thing: I'm staying the Hell away from Wally Mart for a few days. Yes Black Friday not only results in fabulaous savings, but a number of felonies as well. Can you feel the Christmas love?

By the way, my teen-aged son wants me to mention the violence is in no way indicative of teenagers, nerds or gamers.. Joyeux Noel Asshole! Out of my way!!

Send in the Clowns

I don't know whether to be disgusted or morbidly drawn to the series of Republican debates being assailed upon the media watching public these last months. It's kind of like a car accident, which you cannot help but peek at. One after the other, crazy assed GOP hopefuls rise meteorically, shine brightly, then burn up impressively upon re-entry to the atmomsphere. First Michelle Bachman, who, by the way, has got the craziest eyes since Marty Feldman. She made Sarah Palin seem perfectly rational. Then Ravishing Rick Perry, who also makes George Bush look as smart as Noam Chomsky. Then Herman "the Pizzanator" Cain, who apparently can't keep "little Herman" in his pizza oven. Herman, we hardly knew ye'. Which lefft all you Republicans with Mitt Romney, who is a about as likable as Herman Goebbels, and makes historic flip floppers like John Kerry look positivley, well, not flippy floppy. Until, the seemingly unexplainable rise of Newt Gingrich. Remember Newt? How the hell did they figure to dig him up. Just because he doesn't trip all over his tongue and get his State Departments all mixed up,I guess he is your man."Him real smart"...Well, in case you kids forgot, or never knew, ask your parents who Newt Gingrich was in the 80's and 90's. You'll see. Good luck with that one. President Obama, the elction is yours sir.

"I'm Super, Thanks for Asking..."

Okay, let's pretend the Congressional Supercommittee is a celebrity marriage. Let's also pretend the Republicans are Kim Kardashian. And let's pretend the Democrats are NBA star Kris Humphries. Let's pretend all those budget cut ideas are the expensive wedding gifts given to Kardashian and Humphries. Can anyone else see why it was a union doomed from the start? I mean who is going to get all those gifts? Do they give them back? Anyway, we always have until 2013 to find out. Unlike Kim andKris.

Anyhow, that about covers it. And I didn't even have to bring up the end of the big NBA lockout ending. Yeah, millionaires!

May I be the first to wish you a delighful holiday relatively free from acrimony and strife.

Non illegitimi Corrundum


Sunday, November 13, 2011

Joke of the week, Volume 26:"you'll eat a muffin, you'll eat it and like it.."

So these two muffins were sitting in an oven.

One muffin looks over to the other and says, "pretty hot in here, id'n'it"?

The other muffin says, "Holy shit, a talkin' muffin".

Get it?