Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Comedy. . . Brung.


If you haven't checkity- checked this place out yet, you are missing (hands down) the funniest site on the whole intro-net.

Click on the douche on the upper left and be prepared to waste many hours here.

So Help Me Christ

Daddy is here to help bring the funny, but more importantly, the music. Do not make me regret this decision, so help me Christ you do not want to piss Daddy off. Are we clear on this? OK follow the link and hear an exciting track by a yet undiscovered band.


Go with "The Cascade Range"

You are welcome.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Ode to Wine in a Box

Box of Wine
you are so fine,
Drink all alone, or when I dine-

Piquant flavour, smooth and mellow,
Makes me such a happy fellow-
Drink it neat, or on the rocks
I think I'll drink the whole damn box

Fill a Red plastic cup
Drink that M***F*** up-
Cracker, cheese if you please
Drink it with the greatest ease

Box of Wine, I love you so
I think I just broke my pinky toe.

cigars and beer

With my beer
I sit,
While golden moments flit:
They pass
Unheeded by:
And, as they fly,
Being dry,
Sit, idly sipping here
My beer.

O, finer far
Than fame, or riches, are
The graceful smoke-wreathes of this cigar!

Should I
Weep, wail, or sigh?
What if luck has passed me by?
What if my hopes are dead,--
My pleasures fled?
Have I not still
My fill
Of right good cheer,--
Cigars and beer.

Go, whining youth,
Go, weep and wail,
Sigh and grow pale,
Weave melancholy rhymes
On the old times,
Whose joys like shadowy ghosts appear,
But leave me to my beer!

Gold is dross,--
Love is loss,--
So, if I gulp my sorrows down,
Or see them drown
In foamy draughts of old nut-brown,
Then do I wear the crown,
Without the cross!

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Bigfoot Chester's Advice for the Outdoorsman 1/20.06

Dear Bigfoot,

Dis is Saddam ju bastards. Jes I am back in Amerrrica for goood. I am loooking for werk as DHS case worker or high paid male streepper, whichever comes first. First, I need your advise. Is it better to use a Muddler's Minnow or a Zug Bug on a "Trouser Trout"?

Bemused in Bagdad

Dear Bemused,

You know, I was looking through some of your old pictures and, I swear, you're the spittin' image of my ex brother-in-law. Are you sure you aren't part Canadian?

Anyway, to get to your fishing question. The 'Trouser Trout' is a euphamism for a rare and unusual Salmonid species found generally in and around the Pubs of greater New Waterford, North Sydney, Glace Bay Nova Scotia, sometimes found in the greater Newfoundland area, or can be sometimes spotted around the men's room at Lucky's Tavern in Newport Maine. The trouser trout is a much more aggressive feeder and will pretty much respond to any thing you throw at him, especially around 'last call'. I, myself, do not generally go after the Trouser Trout (not that there's anything WRONG with that), but I have it on good authority from my good friend 'Spenser' that any type of typical fly is effective, especially if it is open. It is also important that your fly be color-coordinated and stylish. Keep your rod stiff and on your retrieval you should use a 'swishy' motion. That should do the trick. I hope this helps.

Good luck with your 'job-hunting'. I know it can sometimes be hard to find a job being new to the area, especially with that 'murderous, terrorist, despot, dictator' thing all over your resume. Anyhow, keep your fly wet and stay out of the Spider-holes.


(Bigfoot Chester is neither a licensed counselor or a registered outdoor guide)

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Joke of the Week

Three old men, let's call them Tom, Kirk and Marc, are sitting around the Old Folk's Home, talking about funerals, and what they would want people to say at THEIR funeral. Tom said, he wanted people to say he was a great humanitarian and left the world a better place to live. Kirk said he wanted people to say he was a true family man and was loyal to his friends. After considerable thought, ol' Marc said..." at MY funeral, I want people to say...'Holy shit, look at him, he's moving' !!!".

Thursday, January 12, 2006

dome Tent Etiquette


Dear Bigfoot,

You're the best. I have a question that has always baffled me. How many MEN can you sleep in a four man Dome Tent? This question has kept me up many a night.

Sleepless in Seboomic

Dear sleepless,

For one thing, consider picking up an over the counter sleep aid, or something. If you really want to stay awake all night however, ask yourself this: why do they sell Hot Dogs in ONE quantity, like 6, and sell Hot Dog Buns in ANOTHER quantity, like 8 ? You have to buy about 112 of each before you reach the lowest common denominator. But... I digress. To answer your original question, the only camper I share a tent with of any kind has to be wearing a red flannel Teddy, if you know what I'm sayin'. I have always found it to be a slippery slope to put any more than ONE man in any tent. One thing leads to another and pretty soon you wake up spooning with some guy named Bud, whose unimpeahable manliness you could have SWORE you could vouch for. Unless a situation of 'worst-case' arises where you must save a buddy's life, bring a small tent, and suggest you campmates do the same. But just for your calculations, divide by a third the number of men accomodated by a tent. In other words, a 3 man Dome should fit you comfortably; a four man should fit you and a small Pygmy friend, or Christine Aguilara, whomever you can scrounge up... and so on. Thanks for the question and remember to be safe out there.

If you have an outddors question for Bigfoot, e-mail jack@totallyout.com. Remember, Bigfoot is neither a licensed therapist or a registered guide (missed it by thiiiiis much).

Welcome to the site

If you have any questions, comments ,or stinging insults to direct at Bigfoot,e-mail him directly at jack@totallyout.com. Please remember Bigfoot Chester is not a licensed counselor or a registered outdoors guide (missed it by thaaaaat much!)

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Less than 80 days until fly fishing season and Grand
Lake Stream. Anybody interested?