Just in time for Christamas, or maybe Ramaden, or is it Kwaanza, theres a new tape from Terrorist mastermind and shameless self-promoter Osama Bin Laden. In the recently released greatest hits issue, he dishes out his usual diatribe of extremist rap, this time directed at America's NATO allies in Europe. According to SkyNews, the new audio message from the testy turbaned tyrant seeks to 'persuade Washington's NATO allies that the fight for Afghanistan is a losing proposition'. Not exactly a news flash, but none-the-less that's what he said. "The American tide is ebbing, so it is best for you to press your leaders to change their policies," said the the Jivin' Jihadist, sternly admonishing naughty Europeans. As per usual, the CIA and other intelligence agencies are working to verify that the speaker is indeed the fugitive al-Qaida figurehead. One thing the CIA does know is that the new release comes with an extra DVD fully loaded with lots of extra features, including director's comments, interviews, and a completely interactive animated 'Where's Osama' game. 'It makes a perfect stocking stuffer', said the diabolical desert-dwelling despot.
Why in Whoville They Say...
It's no news that our illustrious Vice-President Dick Cheney has had a history of heart problems. To be honest I always felt the evil bastard, who has deftly played Senator Palpatine to Nixon, Reagan and Bush's Darth Vader, never had a heart to begin with. Evidentally, though, he has, and it is out of rhythm frequently. So it was no news the other day that ol' Iron Dick was checked into Bethesda Navel Hospital, to have his heart defibbed a lil' bit. It turns out, though, according to his physician, Dr. Ivan Zwieback, that the Vice-president's heart was not actually out of rhythm, rather it was three sizes too small. The restorative procedure, unfortunately, was a complete success and Cheney was released later that day. Describing the touch and go moments on the operating room table, his doctor was quoted as saying, 'then what happened next, why in Whoville they say, Dick Cheney's heart grew three sizes that day'... Leaving Bethesda, escorted by security, the plucky politician was heard muttering, 'it came without ribbons, it came without tags, it came without packages, boxes or bags'...
An Inconvenient Pain in the AssIt's the perfect storm of a news story. Al Gore is an insufferable blowhard who has claimed authorship of everything cool in pop culture from the Internet to the Mohito. He has about as much charisma as a big box of paper clips and just can't seem to keep his ever expanding fat ass out of the news, teasing obsequeous liberal democrats with the tantalizing thought of another Gore presidential run in '08. Now with him as a Nobel Laureate, why he's just intolerable, really. Then we have our current Executive, GeorgeII, and sorry all you patriotic Americans, the guy's a Doofus. He's got all of Nixon's nepotism and Reagan's dogma, only without all those brainy ideas and big words to get in the way. The guy couldn't grab his own ass using both hands, gosh!...Anyhow, I don't have a gag for this story, but the thought of those knuckleheads shaking hands in front of cameras for the first time since the 'Hanging Chad' days, holding up the Nobel Prize is just comedy gold. This was the best Presidential photo-op since Japan's Prime Minister Koizumi visited the White House last year and did his Elvis impersonation. George, just shut up and give him his prize; Al, do your part for the environment and close your greenhouse gas emmiting pie-hole.
Don Izzle Back up in Here DizzleErstwhile aging shock jock and irrelevent relic to anyone under fifty, Don Imus returned this week from ignomy, and took to the airwaves on WABC Talk Radio in New York. You'll remember that last year the I-Man made some lighthearted, careless, some would say racist comments about some 'nappy-headed' memebers of the Rutger's Woman Basketball Team. In the ensuing grease-fire, he was pretty much ran out of the media on a rail without mercy, led by none other than Reverend Al Sharpton, who's head is a bit nappy his'self, I must say. Anyway, somehow Imus is making a comeback, and in an effort to drum up publicity and gain ground with the young black audience he likely alienated with his comments, he is going to change his radio image to 'Gangsta' during his new morning radio show. Inside sources say the program is going to be called " Don Izzle, your Main Nizzle, All Around the Hood and up in the Hizzle". Somewhere in Gotham, Rev. Al prepares to get up on his high horse.
Must the Show Go on?
The theaters of the great Broadway in New York apparently will come back alight this week as the long standing stagehand's strike comes to a merciful end. An 11th hour agreement between the theater owners and reps of the Union last night hammered out the details of an agreement, which evidentally had been hung up on the Union's demand for skim milk only for their scheduled hourly Latte breaks. The lights of New York's famous entertainment district had been darkened for weeks as a result of the strike, but now thankfully the good citizens and visitors of the most obnoxious city in the world can once again pay $200 per ticket to see people dancing around dressed as gay cats (not that there's anything wrong with that). Now, personally, I'd rather repeatedly poke myself in the right nipple with a bobby-pin than pay for and sit through a big Broadway show, but I am glad the strike is over and everything can get back to 'normal'. The sooner all those flamboyanly dressed,dancin', show-tune singin' mooks are off the streets, out of the bars and gainfully employed, the safer the streets of the Big Apple will be. Fabuuuuulllooouuuusss!!
Anyway, there they are, our top news stories of the week. As you can see, we're definitely living in complicated times. As I say to myself all the time,'... Where the hell am I going anyway...and why am I in this hand-basket'.
Smoke 'em if you got 'em.
Managing Executive Editor and Wine-Taster-BFC