Aries (3/20 to 4/18)-This week you will be at your most creative. Think of taking up that Yoga class a friend told you about. You absolutely intend to pick up your wife a lovely Valentine's Day gift, but at the last minute, Iraqi Insurgents ruin the whole idea. Bastards!
Taurus (4/19 to 5/20)-
You will face a situation where you must summon the courage necessary to do what is right. Be a man. Take the blood test. Only you are the true father of Anna-Nicole's love-child. It's the right thing to do. Oh yeah, and financial opportuniy awaits you this weekend.
Gemini (5/21 to 6/20)-
Creature comforts dictate your level of happiness this week. Beware of jealousy with a loved-one. You will desire to check yourself into rehab, shave your head bald, and get a tatoo of 'lips' on your arm this week. Bad idea.
Cancer (6/21 to 7/22)-
Communication is the key this week Cancer. Beware of internet scams. You will accidentally donate $100 to Al-Quaeda thinking you were helping the campaign of Barack Obama. Whoops.
Leo (7/23 to 8/22)-
Your love life will be a shambles this week, unfortunately. You will suffer more cancellations this weekend than 'Jet Blue' Airlines, and a committee of your old girlfriends will draft a 'daters' bill of rights prompted by your romantic ineptitude.
Virgo (8/23 to 9/22)-
Things will seem to go your way these days. It may sound petty, but you will be excited to hear that your ex-wife goes nutso, shaves her head bald, gets a tattoo and has a public meltdown. Yes! The sweet wine of vindication! Sales of your rap album sky-rocket.
Libra (9/23 to 10/22)-
Pay attention to details Libra, at the cost of peril. You will contemplate drafting a non-binding resolution to stop surfing the intronet for Porn, but will reconsider, tabling any debate on the matter indefinitely. God Bless America. Oh yeah, and call your Mom Tuesday.
Scorpio (10/23 to 11/21)-
Your past rears its ugly head, indiscreet Scorpio, when an old video from college is relaeased showing you, dressed in drag, being fondled by a Frat buddy. Damn that Trump! Kiss your GOP presidential aspirations good-bye.
Sagitarius (11/22 to 12/21)-
Your past rears its ugly head, indiscreet Sagitarius, when an old 2002 video from C-Span shows you voting to send troops to Iraq, after you have been incessantly Kvetching about a non-binding resolution to refuse more troops all week. Kiss your Democratic presidential aspirations good-bye.
Capricorn (12.22 to 1/19)-
Take notes of any vivid dreams you have had recently. They will aid in your intuitive side. Think about giving up processed cheese for the Lenten season. Jesus and your bowels will thank you.
Aquarius (1/20 to 2/18)-
Outward appearances will be important as you either vie for a new career opportuniy or are introduced to a new friend. It will be a slow week, socially. You will read about a Micheal Moore/ Al Gore film festival playing in your home-town. What the hell; go see it.
Pisces (2/19 to 3/19)-
Be open-minded this week, Pisces old buddy. Unfaithful readers of your blog will draft a non-binding resolution to stop you from doing this Horoscope bit over and over, but remember: to debate this issue would be un-American. And besides: it's only a non-bindind resolution. Oh yeah, and that nagging pain in your prostate: check it out.
SBL#178 would like to remind you that Bigfoot Chester is neither a trained Astrologist or a licensed counselor. Non Illegitimi Corrundum.
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