Dear Bigfoot,

Long time reader, first time writer-

Thanks Bigfoot- Once again I feel enlightened after reading your article. Perhaps you could answer a question I have had since last summers camping trip with some pals. After having the misfortune of being the one responsible for tipping the canoe over on the initial launch, drenching all the gear as well as sending our entire stock of Canadian Whiskey to the murky depths. My long time friend called me a "baculum". Everyone seemed to think it was very funny and the ribbing continued throughout the entire trip, usually accompanied by a smack on the back of my head. I pretended to know what it was and laughed off their jokes but I can't stop wondering what the joke was about.

Please help-
Wondering in Chester


Dear Wondering,

Oh, you’re a Baculum alright. A BIG one, I’d say. I mean, losing the gear is bad enough, but it’s hard to put on a brave face when all the trip’s CLC is feeding the fishes. If you were camping with ME, getting a dope-slap up side the head would be the least of your concerns. Anyhow, according to my painstaking research (Google to the rescue again), Baculum comes from the Latin for ’force’ or ’stick’. Argumentum ad baculum means an argument appealing to force, or ‘talk to the stick’ as it were. I didn’t think that was the meaning your campmates’ friendly admonitions referred to when they ’teased’ you about gaffing all their hootch. So, I found a second, more appropos meaning, which is this: a Baculum is a unique, slender bone found in the penis of most mammals. The bone aids in copulation when mates have only a short encounter and need to perform quickly. Most primates, including humans do not have ‘baculi’, but in your case you probably do, Mister. Two Minute Man. The Baculum is sometimes referred to as a ‘Hillbilly’ or ‘Mountain Man’ toothpick, as they are harvested for toothpicks or coffee stirs. Disgusting, I agree, but hey, I don’t make this stuff up, I just report it. The largest baculum in the animal kingdom, by the way, is the Walrus (lucky bastard) at a well-endowed 30 inches. I searched the net and found a web site where you could order different baculi for whatever unsavory reason you might have, and I went ahead and ordered you some ‘Coyote Baculum’. Take them on your next trip and impress your friends by offering them as excellent Whiskey swizzle-sticks. That IS., if’n you don’t spill all the booze overboard, you big dope. Anyhow, thanks for sharing and remember to keep your fly wet.

Bigfoot