Ask Bigfoot Chester

Dear Bigfoot,

Long time reader, first time writer.

I'm having some of the guys up to my fishing camp for a little 'rest, relaxation and Trout fishing' this weekend. I've got all the fishing supplies lined up, but I'm having some difficulty putting together a grocery list. These guys aren't exactly finnicky, but I'm no good at this shopping thing. It's usually my wife's department. Can you be of any help?

Sincerely,

Useless in Eustis

Dear Useless,

When grocery shopping for guys, I usually try to remember the four food groups: Caffeine, nicotine, alcohol and starch. Wait, and cheese. Oh wait, and meat.
Let me start again. When I go grocery shopping for my outdoor buddies, I usually try to remember a few simple rules that apply to most any fella in these situations. Rule #1 is what I call ip"'The Law of the Chip". The LOTC states that if you have 4 bags of chips or 40 bags of chips, they will all get eaten. In other words, you can never buy enough chips. I am not exaggerating when I say this. I once had a guy party where 12 of us devoured 68 bags of chips. Also, if there is going to be sports watching at your fishing camp, add 10% more chips. Rule #2 of shopping, for me, is what I call "the Power of Cheese". The POC states that when you get a bunch of the guys together for drinking and dining, they will eat most anything, strips of cardboard boxes or even dog dookie, if you melt Mozzerella cheese over it. If you don't have a Micro-wave at your camp, unplug the one you have at home and bring it with, so's you can make Nachos. You'll be glad you did. Nachos to a drunk guy is like S'Mores to a 6 year old kid. So don't scrimp on la Fromage, my friend. Speaking, as I was, about drinking, that brings me to Rule #3, the Beer Exponent Factor. BEF states that the more guys you have together without their spouses, and the more beer there is to drink, with each extra guy and each extra beer, it is exponentially likely that something spectacularly stupid will happen. So in that spirit, make sure you have enough beer on hand (for just how much beer to keep on hand,see Law of the Chip, by-law 1A) and watch the Fun happen. Don't forget, by the way, to keep a well stocked 1st Aid kit, including burn treatments at your camp. Aside from my first 3 rules, I can only add, buy plenty of meat. Any kind of meat will do, for you are probably going to incinerate it on an open flame, and they are still going to devour it. I once had a guy party where we made a big ol' batch of chicken wings that were completely scorched on the outside, but completely pink and raw on the inside. We ate them. And so would you. Theye were good. With your meat, make sure to buy plenty of BBQ sauces and hot sauces. When guys get to drinking together, they love to show off how much 'hot' they can tolerate (see Beer Exponent Factor). And don't, I repeat don't forget to buy plenty of Bacon. Bacon is the staple of any camp menu, and an important start to any healthy breakfast. Did you know that Bacon is chock-a-block full of those Anti-Oxidents? O was it Trans-Fatty Acids? Either way, Bacon is really good.

So there you have it. Aside from about 3 pounds of coffee, that should about cover it in a pinch. You get at least the stuff I told you and you'll be shitting in tall cotton, my woodsy buddy. So be safe out there and rememeber: Keep your fly wet.

Bigfoot Chester