SBL#178 Deconstructs the Top 5 News Stories of the Week

Santa's "personal assistant" Misty

Now, I've never been accused of being the most politically savvey guy in the world. As a matter of fact, until recently I thought the term Fatowa referred to the Bounty Hunter on Star Wars that captured Han Solo (turns out that's Bobo Fet). Still, as I've always said, it doesn't take a genius to tell the difference between chicken shit and chicken salad. In that spirit, the staff here at SBL#178 have compiled and spun the top five news stories of the week, and presented them here using small words that are easy to understand. Truth is certainly better than fiction, and that axiom is never more true than when one reads the daily news. In no particular order, we present:

'Army Intelligence' as Oxymoron

In a report this last week, the CIA reported on the status of Iran's nuclear weapons program. It had been consistently maintained over the last five years by the US government that the rogue terrorist state of Iran posed a terror threat as a result of their nuclear enrichment program and potential nuclear weapon arsenal. Turns out in last week's report, however, that Iran had abandoned their nuclear program as far back as 2002. An embarressed state department maintained that Iran was still dangerous, 'just on general principles', but sheepishly admitted their now unilateral sanctions against Iran lacked any real credibility with US allies. The State Dept. also, just in the nick of time, reporedy recanted sanctions against USSR for their missiles in Cuba, their sanctions against the Southern States for their practice of enslaving Blacks, and sanctions against Germany for invading Poland. A high level spokesman for Britain's Prime Minister was quoted as saying, 'yeah, us too'.

Stop, Chavez Time...

In a bold and imaginitive move this week, Venezualan strong man and perrenial US administrative irritant, Hugo Chavez declared that Venezuala be declared another time zone. Nobody seems to know why. We guess it had just been a few days since he had been in the news. In either case, Venzuala, like our neighbor to the north Newfoundland, is a half-hour off the rest of the world. A distraught MC Hammer, when reached for comment claimed Chavez had stolen his idea, and if anybody deserved his own time zone it was the 'Hammer'. Please Hammer, don't hurt 'em.

Oprah-Obama; Obama-Oprah

Oprah Winfied, America's most beloved pompopus winbag (no wait, that's Al Gore) came out and endorsed Democratic hopeful Barack Obama this week. In this stagnant Democratic race for Iowa, nearly a year before America should even be caring about the election at all, it is a pretty desparate sign indeed that this srory is even news. It is, however, and Obama said 'I'll take it'. Oprah's declaration of allegience to the young senator from Illinois securely locked down the middle-aged white women's vote in Iowa, if not the Black vote. Also, reportedly, Oprah gave the entire state of Iowa a Caddilac if they voted for Barack. An obviously upset Hillary Clinted was quoted as saying, 'Oh no you Di'int'!!!!

Paying it Backwards

It was reported from Greensboro North Carolina on Monday that a Starbuck's coffeeshop drive-thru customer offered to pay for the order of the next car in line behind them. The next customer in line, in turn, payed for the order of the next car, and so on for the next car, paying it bacwards, as it were. This human chain of kindness lasted an amazing 100 cars before the chain was broken. The low down dirt bag who reportedly broke the cahin was a mister Ivan Zweiback of nearby Raleigh, who in his spare time skips straight to the 'good bread' leaving his wife the heel, leaves a teaspoon of coffee in the pot at work so he won't have to make a fresh pot, and never, ever puts a new roll of paper towels out when he uses the last one. He is reportedly also a Yankees fan.

Say it Ain't so Barry

The sporting world stands transfixed today as they await tomorrow's 2pm release of the 'Mitchell Report'. The report commission, headed by no other than ace diplomat and erstwhile Mainer George Mitchell, is sure to name names and point fingers about which major-league baseball players took steroids. Stars speculated as being outed include Barry Bonds, Mark McGuire and Jose Cansenco. Now there's a shocker for you: Steroids in Baseball!? Next you're going to tell me Barry Bonds hit all those Home-runs on steroids. Let me see. One year, Bonds is a lithe, light hitting, base stealing threat. The next year, his head is as big as a picnic ham and his testicles are the size of a Hamster's. Probably coicidence. That one year Sammy Sosa and Mark McGuire broke Roger Maris' single season Home-run record, you're now going to tell me they did that on steroids? Say it ain't so. You know my honest opinion is tha that nobody gives a rat's ass. If Barry Bonds hits a Home-run so hard that it actually rips both of his arms from the sockets, that's still good for baseball. Chicks dig the long ball. That's just the way we roll. What next, George? Are you going to tell us that Professional Wrestling is fixed? No you Di'in't!!

Well there you go, this weeks top stories, ripped straight from the headlines. Happy Holidays from your friends at Sufferin' Batsards Local #178. Remember, Jesus loves you....but he likes me best.

PAX

BFC

The editorial staf of SBL#178 apologizes for BFC incessant use of the word Erstwhile. He doesn't really know what it means. He thinks it sounds 'smart'.