Friday, December 10, 2010

5 Signs of the Apocalypse: SBL#178 De-Obfuscates the top news stories of 2010

A Meat Suit-Now why did I not think of that?

Well, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times, as my old high school chum Chas. Dickens used to say. The year 2010 has started its slow grind to an anti-climactic halt and, with a glass of Five Oaks Merlot on the table, the editorial staff of the SBL#178 prepare for you the top news stories of the past year. It's been a great year here at the SBL#178. If, by a good year you mean another incremental slip further into decreptitude. However, as they say, the news marches on. And time waits for no man. Now, I have never been accused of being politically astute. As a matter of fact, I always thought Hamas was made of Chickpeas and spread on flatbread. That being said, it doesn't take a genius to tell the difference between chicken shit and chicken salad. So, non sequitors taken care of, here are the top five news stories of the past year. Enjoy. And remember, "non illegitmi corrundum".

The McRib is BACK!

One of the most mysterious questions to vex philosophers has re-emegred its ugly head again this year. No, not the riddle of the Sphinx, that's an easy one. No, it's not that "I before E, except after C" thing, though that can be tricky. It is...the riddle of the McRib. As one of my Facebook friends recently posited, "why, if the McRib is so damned good, does it only sporatically appear at McDonald's, and for a limited time only?". An excelleny query indeed. Is it because the deliciously decadent ball of fat in a bun is so damned good that the general burger buying public cannot handle the porky goodness?("You want the Rib?! You can't handle the Rib"!!) Is it rather that its fat and cholesterol content is so dangerously high that long term exposure could pose a health risk to the general public, thus a liabiltiy for the meaty mega franchise? Could it merely be a marketing ploy, restricting the supply, thus increasing the demand for the savory, sauce covered, sanguine slab of pig meat? The world may never know. Or at least I may never know. To be honest, I've never had a McRib. I have always wanted one, really, but have never gotten around to it. I probaly never will. I, likewise have always wanted a tattoo. And to write the great American Novel. But I haven't. And at this point, I will probaly never get to do those things. Or having a McRib. Especially if I don't hurry, because, as I said, it is only for a limited time.

We Have Met the Enemy, and it is Us

For years, the faithful followers of the beloved Boston Red Sox have opined and bitterly complained about how much the New York Yankees have spent to get their twenty-whatever championships. I have done it myself, and it is true. The Yankees have far outspent any other team in history. Their luxury tax alone is even more than the entire payroll of the Pittsburg Pirates. Plus, those poor bastards have to live in Pittsburg. It is patently obscene how much the Wankees spend to get the top players they always seem to get. Teams like the Red Sox, in order to keep up, must spend likewise to even hope for a championship. However, this year, the tables have been turned on the Yanks. The Red Sox have landed two of the top free agent prospects of the Hot Stove season. Adrian Gonzales, landed. Carl Crawford, landed. All top Red Sox stars-under contract. The Red Sox have out tricked the Yanks this year fo' sho'. They have spent approximaately 150 Kazillion dollars, but have essentially locked up the American League East, the Pennant, and the World Series...on paper. Yes, on paper, anyway. The funny thing is, the Red Sox still don't even have the highest payroll in the majors. That honor still belongs to thew Yankees. By a long shot. Still, I think the days of Red Sox fans' tired complaints of the Yanks buying their champpionships have been played out. Sox fans, we have bought ourselves a championship....on paper. How does it feel? Good, I'd say. Bill Buckner drinks the sweet wine of vindication.

Dude, where's my Job?

Dude, the guy has had such a bad year, even Ron Paul has got to feel for him. Our illustrious Pesident, Barack Obama, only a short time ago annointed as the chosen one, has been so far unable to resist hanging himself with the rope the previous administration had left him. Now the Republicans, not unlike the McRib, are back. Hopefully, only for a limited time. After bitch slapping the Democrats in the mid terms, they have a solid hold on the house and the Senate. America, prepare to be dazzled. You thought the Democrats were ineffective? Child's play. Now the Democrats can't get doodly squat done witout kissing the Republicans' asses all over Washington. President Obama's populrity ratings are in the toilet, and if that's not bad enough, even his own people are turning on him. Recently, in one of His pick up basketball games He is famous for, Obama was elbowed to the chops by Rey Decerega, from the Congressional Hispanic Caucus. Decerega, the speedy Latino point guard, known among Beltway insiders for his killer crossover dribble, was evidently trying to take it to the rack, knowing full well the leader of the free world has a weak defensive move to the left. The president tried to draw the charge and take a flop. This was a failed diplomatic move, not his first this year. Rey took the contact, threw up a left handed shot, got two points, plus the free throw. Mr. Obama got called for the foul and also got 13 stitches in his lip. All in all, not too much worse of a pasting than the Republicans gave him on the tax cut vote.

Favre Death Watch 2010

After nearly 20 years at the helm of his football ship, the erstwhile Packer, erstwhile Jet and current Viking Brett Favre is about to call it a career. That's right, the ol' Gunslinger. The ol' River Boat gambler. On again, off again, retired one day, unretired the next. Brett Favre, once the envy of every red-blooded football fan, the holder of about every quarterback record that Dan Marino does not have, has presumably played his last game. After 297 games uninterrupted, the old bastard is now relegated to doing Wrangler Jean commercials. By the way, in those commercials, when he throws that pass in the back yard pick up game, he totally lays out that wide reciever, just like he has been doing for years in Green Bay. In any case, his cell phone videos of his man-junk sent to Jen Sturger will be going viral soon enough. That's something. (BTW, I just Googled Jen Sturger-Holy Smokes!) Now, don't get me wrong. Even though the old goat has been more of a Diva than Liza Minelli at a Cher concert, I have always found him compelling TV. I also, by the way, find the Weather Channel compelling TV. Anyhow, now that the streak is over, and the old gunslinger has likely ridden in his last round up, I'll have to admit I'll miss him. But, there's always next year. Ya' never know with the Old Gunslinger.

Keith Richard Still Not Dead

Despite all logic, the iconic Rock pioneer, long time Rolling Stone and erstwhile Pirate of the Carribean Keith Richard is still not dead. Despite his best efforts, this Saturday Mr. Richard will turn 67 years of age. Doctors are at a loss to explain Keith's incredible persistence in refusing to die. Researchers at the famed Helsinke Institute in Weinergaten Germany have found that, if exposed to comparible amounts of Heroin, Rebel Yell bourbon, Marlboro smokes, and live Rolling Stones music, laboratory rats were dead after only 15 minutes. "How ol' Keith doesn't die remains a mystery to us", says Professor Ivan Zweiback, of the Institute. When reached for comment, outside his Barbados mansion, Mr. Richard was quoted as saying, "Mizen'raft'n mizzleflander, maaaan". Ain't it the truth?

Okay, now that I review my notes, these are probably not the TOP news stories of 2010. If I did my resaerch, I would probaly find more important stories, that , you know, effect people's lives and stuff. However, these have been getting a lot of play around the offices of the SBL#178.

Anyhow, enjoy the new year. How bad could it be?

Non illigitemi corrundum....

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