Don't Smoke 'em if you Don't Got 'em: a last look at 2007

Facts are simple and facts are straight,

Facts are lazy and facts are late,

Facts all come with points of view,

Facts don't do what I want thwm to.

-David Byrne of Talking Heads

5 Facts that Prove that America is going to Hell in a Hand-Basket

1. An Albany NY mom recently helped her 6 year old daughter fake an essay to win tickets to a big Hanna Montana concert, beating out 1000 other lil' contestants. In the essay, the little girl claimed her Dad had been tragically killed in the War in Iraq, which of course was bogus.

2. Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street Band floor tickets at Giants Stadium:$250. Hanna Montana floor tickets at Gund Arena, Cleaveland: $800.

3. The most newsworthy person of the year, based on internet searches is Brittany Spears, by a landslide. But that was before her sister got herslf pregnant.

4. Dick Clark has had his head cryogenically preserved and attached to a robot so he can continue to host Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve for eternity. A disapointed Ted Williams could not be reached for comment.

5. Ryan Seacrest-I don't think I need to explain further.

6. Hey, isn't Hanna Montana, nee Miley Cyrus, the daughter of erstwhile mullet-jockey, achy-brakey no talent mook Billy-Ray Cyrus? Wasn't there a great man who once said those who ignore the mistakes of history are doomed to repeat them? They were right, and we must now live with the Cyrus dynasty of Suck because of our atavitic negligence. Well, don't tell my heart...

Wait, that was six facts. Well there's many more but my Mohito's gone and it's time for bed. Anyhow Feliz y prospero ano sus putas and bring on 2008. What could possibly happen?

Nerds Rejoice

I just found this on the good ol' Intronet, a vintage '70's Star Wars Holiday Special w' special guests Harvey Korman, Art Carney and, yes, Beatrice Arthur. I can't believe George Lucas let this one out of the closet. Someone assuredly was fired for this unmitigated disaster. Enjoy; it takes a while, but it's o-so-good!

BFC

You'll thank me later.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=323909610753051544

Mitchell Report Revisited

"Andy, I'm ready for my 'Flax-seed Oil' treatment, honey"

What Guys Will Settle For This Christmas

Reserve your copy today!

What Guys Really Want for the Holidays

Joke of the Week: 'Right up your Kilt'

An all-time classic

So there was this old Scotsman, we'll call him Tonto MacTavish, who had been drinking and carrying on at an old fashioned Ceilidh in his village. Being a Scot, he had had a wee too many drops of the Crater, and at a certain point in the evening, felt the need to lay down somewhere and rest his weary bones. He heads back to his home, but in his inebriated state only makes it to a big Oak tree along-side the road. He lay down and falls asleep aginst the tree, legs akimbo, kilt half-hiked up, a drunken mess.

Soon, along comes two bonney Lasses leaving the party, on their way home and in a fine festive mood. They approach the sodden Scot, and one says to the other, 'I wonder, Bridgett, is it true what they say about a Scotsman going bare under his kilt'. Unable to qwell their curiosity, the girls lift up the Scots festive Mackenzie Plaid kilt and find that sure enough, only the man's dingus to be home there underneath. So amused by the sight one of the girls took the blue ribbon from her hair and tied to the kilted man's member as a prank. Then they sally forth on their way.

Next morning, the hung-over man awakes to natures call, rises fom his rest and goes sloppily to the bush to relieve himself. When he lifts his kilt to take a leak, he sees his shaft festooned with the blue ribbon left there as a present. Incredulous, he looks left, he looks right, then down again to his mini-Mac. He then says,

(wait for it)

'Me'lad, I doon't know wheeere ya beeen, or what ya beeeen doooin', but sur'n I'm mighty proud that you won fuuurst prize'!!!!

SBL#178 Deconstructs the Top 5 News Stories of the Week

Santa's "personal assistant" Misty

Now, I've never been accused of being the most politically savvey guy in the world. As a matter of fact, until recently I thought the term Fatowa referred to the Bounty Hunter on Star Wars that captured Han Solo (turns out that's Bobo Fet). Still, as I've always said, it doesn't take a genius to tell the difference between chicken shit and chicken salad. In that spirit, the staff here at SBL#178 have compiled and spun the top five news stories of the week, and presented them here using small words that are easy to understand. Truth is certainly better than fiction, and that axiom is never more true than when one reads the daily news. In no particular order, we present:

'Army Intelligence' as Oxymoron

In a report this last week, the CIA reported on the status of Iran's nuclear weapons program. It had been consistently maintained over the last five years by the US government that the rogue terrorist state of Iran posed a terror threat as a result of their nuclear enrichment program and potential nuclear weapon arsenal. Turns out in last week's report, however, that Iran had abandoned their nuclear program as far back as 2002. An embarressed state department maintained that Iran was still dangerous, 'just on general principles', but sheepishly admitted their now unilateral sanctions against Iran lacked any real credibility with US allies. The State Dept. also, just in the nick of time, reporedy recanted sanctions against USSR for their missiles in Cuba, their sanctions against the Southern States for their practice of enslaving Blacks, and sanctions against Germany for invading Poland. A high level spokesman for Britain's Prime Minister was quoted as saying, 'yeah, us too'.

Stop, Chavez Time...

In a bold and imaginitive move this week, Venezualan strong man and perrenial US administrative irritant, Hugo Chavez declared that Venezuala be declared another time zone. Nobody seems to know why. We guess it had just been a few days since he had been in the news. In either case, Venzuala, like our neighbor to the north Newfoundland, is a half-hour off the rest of the world. A distraught MC Hammer, when reached for comment claimed Chavez had stolen his idea, and if anybody deserved his own time zone it was the 'Hammer'. Please Hammer, don't hurt 'em.

Oprah-Obama; Obama-Oprah

Oprah Winfied, America's most beloved pompopus winbag (no wait, that's Al Gore) came out and endorsed Democratic hopeful Barack Obama this week. In this stagnant Democratic race for Iowa, nearly a year before America should even be caring about the election at all, it is a pretty desparate sign indeed that this srory is even news. It is, however, and Obama said 'I'll take it'. Oprah's declaration of allegience to the young senator from Illinois securely locked down the middle-aged white women's vote in Iowa, if not the Black vote. Also, reportedly, Oprah gave the entire state of Iowa a Caddilac if they voted for Barack. An obviously upset Hillary Clinted was quoted as saying, 'Oh no you Di'int'!!!!

Paying it Backwards

It was reported from Greensboro North Carolina on Monday that a Starbuck's coffeeshop drive-thru customer offered to pay for the order of the next car in line behind them. The next customer in line, in turn, payed for the order of the next car, and so on for the next car, paying it bacwards, as it were. This human chain of kindness lasted an amazing 100 cars before the chain was broken. The low down dirt bag who reportedly broke the cahin was a mister Ivan Zweiback of nearby Raleigh, who in his spare time skips straight to the 'good bread' leaving his wife the heel, leaves a teaspoon of coffee in the pot at work so he won't have to make a fresh pot, and never, ever puts a new roll of paper towels out when he uses the last one. He is reportedly also a Yankees fan.

Say it Ain't so Barry

The sporting world stands transfixed today as they await tomorrow's 2pm release of the 'Mitchell Report'. The report commission, headed by no other than ace diplomat and erstwhile Mainer George Mitchell, is sure to name names and point fingers about which major-league baseball players took steroids. Stars speculated as being outed include Barry Bonds, Mark McGuire and Jose Cansenco. Now there's a shocker for you: Steroids in Baseball!? Next you're going to tell me Barry Bonds hit all those Home-runs on steroids. Let me see. One year, Bonds is a lithe, light hitting, base stealing threat. The next year, his head is as big as a picnic ham and his testicles are the size of a Hamster's. Probably coicidence. That one year Sammy Sosa and Mark McGuire broke Roger Maris' single season Home-run record, you're now going to tell me they did that on steroids? Say it ain't so. You know my honest opinion is tha that nobody gives a rat's ass. If Barry Bonds hits a Home-run so hard that it actually rips both of his arms from the sockets, that's still good for baseball. Chicks dig the long ball. That's just the way we roll. What next, George? Are you going to tell us that Professional Wrestling is fixed? No you Di'in't!!

Well there you go, this weeks top stories, ripped straight from the headlines. Happy Holidays from your friends at Sufferin' Batsards Local #178. Remember, Jesus loves you....but he likes me best.

PAX

BFC

The editorial staf of SBL#178 apologizes for BFC incessant use of the word Erstwhile. He doesn't really know what it means. He thinks it sounds 'smart'.

Before it gets too hectic this December, remember to take a minute and think about the 'reason for the season'. Joyeux Noel, y'all!

Just because the last entry skewed a bit too political, here's a little reminder of what SBL#178 is more about.

SBL#178 De-Obfuscates the Top Five News Stories of the Week-11/30/07

' Rosebuuuuuud'!

As I always say, blogging is like panning for crap on the vast silty riverbed that is the intronet. The comedy gold just writes itself; one merely has to cut and paste, basically. In that spirit, and just in time for the holiday season, here are the top five news stories of the week as seen by the editorial staff here at SBL#178. In no particular order, we offer up the following.

My Name is Osama Bin Laden...

Just in time for Christamas, or maybe Ramaden, or is it Kwaanza, theres a new tape from Terrorist mastermind and shameless self-promoter Osama Bin Laden. In the recently released greatest hits issue, he dishes out his usual diatribe of extremist rap, this time directed at America's NATO allies in Europe. According to SkyNews, the new audio message from the testy turbaned tyrant seeks to 'persuade Washington's NATO allies that the fight for Afghanistan is a losing proposition'. Not exactly a news flash, but none-the-less that's what he said. "The American tide is ebbing, so it is best for you to press your leaders to change their policies," said the the Jivin' Jihadist, sternly admonishing naughty Europeans. As per usual, the CIA and other intelligence agencies are working to verify that the speaker is indeed the fugitive al-Qaida figurehead. One thing the CIA does know is that the new release comes with an extra DVD fully loaded with lots of extra features, including director's comments, interviews, and a completely interactive animated 'Where's Osama' game. 'It makes a perfect stocking stuffer', said the diabolical desert-dwelling despot.

Why in Whoville They Say...

It's no news that our illustrious Vice-President Dick Cheney has had a history of heart problems. To be honest I always felt the evil bastard, who has deftly played Senator Palpatine to Nixon, Reagan and Bush's Darth Vader, never had a heart to begin with. Evidentally, though, he has, and it is out of rhythm frequently. So it was no news the other day that ol' Iron Dick was checked into Bethesda Navel Hospital, to have his heart defibbed a lil' bit. It turns out, though, according to his physician, Dr. Ivan Zwieback, that the Vice-president's heart was not actually out of rhythm, rather it was three sizes too small. The restorative procedure, unfortunately, was a complete success and Cheney was released later that day. Describing the touch and go moments on the operating room table, his doctor was quoted as saying, 'then what happened next, why in Whoville they say, Dick Cheney's heart grew three sizes that day'... Leaving Bethesda, escorted by security, the plucky politician was heard muttering, 'it came without ribbons, it came without tags, it came without packages, boxes or bags'...

An Inconvenient Pain in the Ass

It's the perfect storm of a news story. Al Gore is an insufferable blowhard who has claimed authorship of everything cool in pop culture from the Internet to the Mohito. He has about as much charisma as a big box of paper clips and just can't seem to keep his ever expanding fat ass out of the news, teasing obsequeous liberal democrats with the tantalizing thought of another Gore presidential run in '08. Now with him as a Nobel Laureate, why he's just intolerable, really. Then we have our current Executive, GeorgeII, and sorry all you patriotic Americans, the guy's a Doofus. He's got all of Nixon's nepotism and Reagan's dogma, only without all those brainy ideas and big words to get in the way. The guy couldn't grab his own ass using both hands, gosh!...Anyhow, I don't have a gag for this story, but the thought of those knuckleheads shaking hands in front of cameras for the first time since the 'Hanging Chad' days, holding up the Nobel Prize is just comedy gold. This was the best Presidential photo-op since Japan's Prime Minister Koizumi visited the White House last year and did his Elvis impersonation. George, just shut up and give him his prize; Al, do your part for the environment and close your greenhouse gas emmiting pie-hole.

Don Izzle Back up in Here Dizzle

Erstwhile aging shock jock and irrelevent relic to anyone under fifty, Don Imus returned this week from ignomy, and took to the airwaves on WABC Talk Radio in New York. You'll remember that last year the I-Man made some lighthearted, careless, some would say racist comments about some 'nappy-headed' memebers of the Rutger's Woman Basketball Team. In the ensuing grease-fire, he was pretty much ran out of the media on a rail without mercy, led by none other than Reverend Al Sharpton, who's head is a bit nappy his'self, I must say. Anyway, somehow Imus is making a comeback, and in an effort to drum up publicity and gain ground with the young black audience he likely alienated with his comments, he is going to change his radio image to 'Gangsta' during his new morning radio show. Inside sources say the program is going to be called " Don Izzle, your Main Nizzle, All Around the Hood and up in the Hizzle". Somewhere in Gotham, Rev. Al prepares to get up on his high horse.

Must the Show Go on?

The theaters of the great Broadway in New York apparently will come back alight this week as the long standing stagehand's strike comes to a merciful end. An 11th hour agreement between the theater owners and reps of the Union last night hammered out the details of an agreement, which evidentally had been hung up on the Union's demand for skim milk only for their scheduled hourly Latte breaks. The lights of New York's famous entertainment district had been darkened for weeks as a result of the strike, but now thankfully the good citizens and visitors of the most obnoxious city in the world can once again pay $200 per ticket to see people dancing around dressed as gay cats (not that there's anything wrong with that). Now, personally, I'd rather repeatedly poke myself in the right nipple with a bobby-pin than pay for and sit through a big Broadway show, but I am glad the strike is over and everything can get back to 'normal'. The sooner all those flamboyanly dressed,dancin', show-tune singin' mooks are off the streets, out of the bars and gainfully employed, the safer the streets of the Big Apple will be. Fabuuuuulllooouuuusss!!

Anyway, there they are, our top news stories of the week. As you can see, we're definitely living in complicated times. As I say to myself all the time,'... Where the hell am I going anyway...and why am I in this hand-basket'.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

Managing Executive Editor and Wine-Taster-BFC