State of the Psyche Address March 2006

It hit me today as I was in the DMV getting my driver's license renewed: I'm an old bastard... I kind of knew all along, but there are some watershed moments when it's pretty clear that you're there. Like when I looked at my renewed license picture today and said to the lady.. "no, no there must be some mistake, you accidentally took Keith Richard's picture. I don't look like this". She gives me that 'DMV lady' look, and was totally not impressed. Shit, I remember, like last week, hoping like hell my first driver's license, that I doctored to make me 20, not 17, would get me beer without a hassle. Now I've been able to buy beer legally for as many years as not. I'm legal to buy beer to the 2nd power.Speaking of buying beer (we were weren't we?),I go into my favorite Packy the other day (you know, package store, smart shop, pharmacy, liquor store, etc.) , to pick up my daily 40 oz. of Old Milwaukee's Best, and the dude behind the counter 'Sirs' me. He's like...'there you go sir, have a good night'...Dude,... Since when did I become a fucking Sir? Now don't get me wrong. I don't like getting 'duded' any more than you. In fact, I loathe being called 'dude'. But to drop the sir on me; that was cold. He might as well have said, 'here you go, you decreped old drunk, here's you 40 oz., so you can go home and watch the Golden Girls, pathetic old bastard, you're not in the dude club anymore'.And speaking of young girls (we were weren't we?), that's even worse. Sheeit, if I was like going up to some nice, nubile college girl (not that I've noticed any up here in Orono), and was like...'hey,who's your Daddy', they'd be like, 'well, you're old enough to be my Daddy, if that's what you mean'. Not that I'm interested, in case my wife may be reading this. It's just the idea.Well, at least I have my health... except the right knee, and the left hip,... and the... oh heck, you get the idea. Anyway, Happy fuckin' Birthday to me... where the hell did I leave that 40?