Celebrity Haiku Vol. 46: Super Bowl Half-Time Edition

Thanks to our Boy Prince, who, even though he's busy preparing for his big Super Bowl half time concert (Pu-Leez Jesus, no wardrobe malfunctions this year), was able to knock out this C.H.

Androgynous? How So?

Are YOU Ready for some Football?!

Wow, a Real Live Gig!

-Prince

Dear Mr.Bigfoot

I've been trapped indoors all day and turned on the "boob tube" to help pass the time. Unfortunatly the only thing that was on was PGA golf. This seems to be one of the more boring "sports" to watch on T.V. which leads me to my question: Why, oh F_ing why is it necessary to have slow motion replays? Should I even continue to watch golf ?

I honestly think if I wasn't getting so drunk I'd get up and do something else.

Meinen Finger Ziehen!

...never say that to my Uncle J.J....

I'm feeling the last few B'log entries are skewing a bit too political, so to get back to a theme a bit more elemental to the Sufferin' Bastard, I offer up... 'Beer'...

As my ol' Da' use to say, "I never refused a drink, except maybe once, and that was over the phone".

True to that!

BFC

Tempest in a Wine-glass: State of the Union Speech 1/23/07

And now, with the Sufferin' Bastard response to President Bush's State of the Union Speech, is SBL#178 Chief Editor, Bigfoot Chester.

For one thing, is it me? Is it just because I'm a devout heterosexual, or is Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi one of the hottest Speakers in a long time? She's still gettin' it done as far as a I'm concerned. Condi Rice, eat your heart out. And don't think this was lost on Dick Cheney, whom I saw at least 4 times giving her the old 'up/down while she was sitting there. Speaking of Cheney, Dick, you crazy magnificent bastard, what is going through your crooked mind while your sittin' there listenning to ol' W? You got this major shit-eatin grin pasted on your face throughout the whole speech. Could it be magical thoughts of a threesome with Pelosi and Senator Clinton? Speaking of Madame Senator from New York, if you rolled your eyes any more vigorously in response to W's speech Hillery, you may have given yourself a small seizure. And Oraka Bauma (sp?), you are one handsome bastard. You got my vote, yo. On the other end of the spectrum, I don't think I'm the first one to ask: could John Kerry look any more like Herman Munster? I don't think so. And speaking of Hawkish Democrats, Leiberman of Connecticutt seemed, by his countneance at the S.O.T.U., as if he has completely lost his 'Joe-mentum'. And speaking of flatulant old Democrats, Ted Kennedy, who looks more and more like a Manatee in a Brooks Brothers suit, fell asleep at least three times during the President's speech. But not ol' John McCain, over on the Republican side, who was sitting next to our own Susan Collins, giving her the ol' nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Way to go New Mexico.

As far as the speech itself, the thing that always really annoys me is the frequent, obsequious and obviously phony rounds of applause every time the President finishes a sentence of any import whatsoever. His speech was interrupted by applause so many times, I said to myself what I NEVER dreamed I would have said about a George W. Bush speech: 'shut up and let the man talk'. Alas, though, when he did talk, I remembered why I had never said that to myself before.

By the way, it was nice to see the President give a shout out to Houston Rockets star Dikembe Mutumbo; Jesus Christ is that guy tall?

I didn't get the whole health insurance initiative idea; either the math was too difficult or I had one too many glasses of wine before speech-time. I'll have to hold judgement on that. I was heartened to know, despite what I had been led to believe by those scurulous Democrats, that we are actually winning the War on 'Terrrrrr'r'. I guess he's right; it would be wrong to cut and run now. Here's a popular idea, W: Instead of sending 25,000 more troops to Bagdad, let's send 25,000 Lead Baloons, and see how that goes over and jacks up your approval ratings. But, that's only until the Iraqi government can take over the job and secure a democratic government...right... that sounds about as likely as my 10 year old daughter balancing our family checkbook.

Hey, doesn't Nigeria have a lot of oil? Let's go and liberate them.

Hey, John Edwards kinda looks like Ryan Seacrest, d'ja ever notice that?

I was happy to hear about W's plan for temporary immigrant workers. Sweet. Now the guy that does my lawn will be back next year.

Well, Hell, I guess you got it under control George. What with the price of groceries higher than Mike Tyson at a random traffic check and oil prices going up and down faster than your daughter Jenna's tube top at a Mardi Gras parade, it's nice to know you have a plan. Oh, and by the way, it's fucking NU-CLE-AR, not NU-CU-LER. And TERR-OR-IST, not TERRR"RST. Goooosh! Damn, my wine is all gone and I have to be up at 5AM for work. 'Lawd love a cheerful giver'.

non illegitimi corrundum

BFC

At risk I'll post this here...

I came across an interesting passage that would seem at home here:

And another essay on the American flag, also from 1901:

I am not finding fault with this use of our flag; for in order not to seem eccentric I have swung around, now, and joined the nation in the conviction that nothing can sully a flag. I was not properly reared, and the illusion that a flag was a thing which must be sacredly guarded against shameful uses and unclean contacts, lest it suffer pollution; and so when it was sent out to the Phillippines to float over a wanton war and a robbing expedition I supposed it was polluted, and in an ignorant moment I said so. But I stand corrected. I conceded and acknowledge that it was only the government that sent it on such an errand that was polluted. Let us compromise on that. I am glad to have it that way. For our flag could not well stand pollution, never having been used to it, but it is different with the administration.

Mark Twain.

'When the Revolution Happens'...(Vol.#1)

1. Dr. Phil will immediately be shot

2. Nobody in Needham Heigts, Massachusetts will be allowed to drive a Hummer.

3. Everyone in Jackman Maine will drive a Hummer.

4. The National Anthem will be changed to 'Finnegan's Wake'.

5. The first day of open-water fly-fishing will be declared a national holiday.

6. Garbage guys will be paid like Doctors.

7. You will only be allowed to but a Fender Telecaster if you can play a Fender Telecaster.

8. There will be revenue sharing in Baseball.

9. Pamela Lee-Rock-Anderson's Boobies will be declared a national historic landmark.

10. Three words: 'President Iggy Pop'.

Remember: 'the Revolution will come by ignoring the competition out of existence'.

ALI

"Muhammed, Muhammed Ali,

He floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee,

Muhammed, the black Superman,

He says to the other guy, I'm Ali, catch me if you can"

My very first hero. Before my parents, Carl Yastremzki, John Lennon, Iggy Pop there was Muhammed Ali. He made it look cool to be a Black Muslim, even to a cracker from the suburbs of Boston. Still does. Happy 65th Birthday, champ. Howard Cosell is rolling over in his grave.

Beer and Loathing at the Hyperbole

"Your ass is mine, butt-wad"

"Yeah, well I'll see you after school in the parking lot, ass-munch"

I very much enjoyed watching the highly over-touted San Diego Chargers out mistake the Pats last weekend, helping them move on to the AFC championship game against the Colts. By the way, the Pats record in AFC championship games...uh, undefeated, I think. Also, methinks the Pats have the Colts number, and it is #18. Reserve your tickets for Miami, and Super Bowl XXXVVVIIIXXCMVII.

BFC

Joke of the Week-1/16/07

J Submitted by BFC's witty Sister 2-D (Guest Jokester)

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (you know, a little 100 legged bug), which came in a small white box to use for his house. He took the box home, found a good location for it, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, a bit louder and more clear, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hellooooo, in there! Little Feller!? Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me!?"

Then a little voice came out of the box and sez:

(wait foooor it)

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my fucking shoes."

(bah-dum-rimshot!)

Sufferin Bastard Secret lair

I found the Home of the Sufferin Bastard. I also found many signed documents from Bigfoot. It's been a long night and I have yet to go to sleep- I'll post more on this later...along with location, unless Bigfoot gets to me first.


Notice chalkboard behind bar.

Complaints and Returns

This is the time of year I make my annual trip to the Returns and Complaints counter. I recognized the guy behind the service desk; it was the same one we’d had for the last six years. The Texan.

“Can I help you, ma’am?” he said. He seemed weary, like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders.

“Yes, I’d like to return this,” I said, and I put it up on the counter.

“Is that what I think it is?” said the Texan.

“Yes sir,” I said. “It’s a Shia Pet.”

He sighed. “What’s wrong with it?” he asked.

“What’s wrong with it?” I said, irritated. “It’s a disaster, that’s what’s wrong with it.”

“Did you follow the directions?”

I nodded. I’d followed the directions all right. You take the Shia Pet out of the box, then paste the special “Seeds of Liberty” on its bald head. You water it with shock and awe, and the next thing you know, supposedly, you had an attractive, self-governing democracy.

“And what happened?”

“What happened?” I said. “Just look at it.”

I took the Shia Pet out of the box and laid it there on the counter for the man to see.

“It’s an insurgency,” I said.

The Texan looked at the head of the Shia Pet a little more carefully. “Are you sure that’s an insurgency?” he asked. “It could be it’s just a democracy that hasn’t fully grown out yet.”

“Am I sure?” I said. “Does that look like a democracy to you?”

The head of the Shia Pet was covered with twisted, intractable vines.

“You know what you need,” he said, pulling a red, white and blue box out from behind the counter. “Is the Advanced Seeds of Liberty Packet. It’s on special.”

“I’d just like my money back, please.”

“Back?” he said, as if I were a coward, a quitter. “What’s wrong with you?”

I sighed. “How much is the Advanced Packet?”

“Twenty-five thousand troops. Maybe forty. You kind of have to see how it goes.”

“But that’ll grow a democracy? Guaranteed?”

“There’s no guarantee!” he said, stunned at how stupid I was. “Did I say anything about a guarantee?”

“I’ll be honest, I don’t really care about a democracy on its head,” I said. “I mean, sure, it’d be nice. But I have other things that are more important to me.”

“More important than this? Like what?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Health care? Decent schools? A trip to New Orleans, maybe?”

“I remember when you bought this,” he said. “You came in here, so excited.”

“Hey man,” I said. “YOU sold it to ME. I NEVER wanted it.”

He shook his head, sadly, put the Shia pet on a big pile of other failures he had back there.

“Anything else?” he said.

“Actually.” I got out the CD he’d sold me. The Best of Sunni and Cher. “I don’t like this either.”

The Texan smiled wistfully. “Some great tunes,” he said.

“I don’t want it. I just want my money back.”

“I already told you,” he said. “You can’t get your money back. All I can give you is this.”

He handed me a piece of paper.

“A tax cut?” I said. I mean, sure, it was nice. But was that what I needed right now?

“Hey,” he said. “It’s better than money!”

I left his store, headed home in the minivan. On the way out, I noticed that the place seemed a little scuffed-up. It didn’t seem so long ago that it was a place that brought me pride.

Sometimes I worry about the store the Texan runs. There must be a way to shine it up again. But I don’t know what it is.

When I got home, my spouse looked up. The house seemed cleaner without all that junk in it, but there was something empty about it too. A sense of loss.

“Did you return all that stuff?”

“I did,” I said. “Mission accomplished.”

Ask Bigfoot Chester: Advice for the Outdoorsman

Dear Bigfoot Chester,

I have just moved to the great state of Maine from away, and am relatively new to the sport of Ice Fishing. I found out the season starts in January and I am eager to get out and try my luck. A couple of my neighbors, Linwood and Vinyl, have invited me to go up to their camp and 'set a few traps', as they say, but it seems that this year, what with global warming and all, there doesn't seem to be much ice to fish on. My new friends assured me it was completely safe to go, but I don't know. Tell me Bigfoot, how many inches of ice is neccesary to safely go ice fishing in Maine.

Soggy in Schoodic

Dear Soggy,

Well I don'tknow how you Outa' Statas' do things, but up here in the good old state of Maine there are a few different ways to go about ice fishing when the conditions are 'marginal'. I would, of course preface my advice by saying that if you are taking your wife or your kids along, consult with your local game warden, or meteorilogist, and ignore what I have to say. I think the official number might be about 10 to 12 inches of solid ice to be totally safe. Go with that. If though, you are game for a little 'danger fishing', I'm your man.

There are several methods the intrepid fisherman can employ In cases of thin ice and still enjoy the fishy fruits of their fishing labours. When ice is only marginally unsafe, I always use the Auld Plank Method. In this case, you lay old boards, pieces of plywood, or what-not in a path to lead you to your traps. Walk in a zig-zag pattern on the boards and if the worst happens and you fall through, hang onto your board, now a floatation device, and swim to shore. When ice is moderately hazardous (2 inches or less), I usually use the Lifeline method. In this case, you and your fishing buddies take turns walking out to check the traps tethered to a good stout rope, while the other holds tightly to the other end while standing safely on shore. When you fall in, give a hard tug on the rope, and your buddy pulls you in. When ice is considerablely unsafe (1 inche or less), I generally go with the Human Chain approach. This is done by setting the traps very close to shore, for starters. When setting or checking traps, you and your buddies lay on your stomachs and slither across the ice, linked together by holding onto each others ankles. Of course, the more people you have fishing the better, as you can expand your range significantly. Be prepared for the worst. You should have an extra set of clothes and boots nearby for this trick. Finally, when ice is extremely unsafe (patches of open water, floating ice flows, etc.), I have seen a few guys employ the Waders or Scuba Method. When Ice is this bad, I forgo the extra dry clothes and go straight for the Neoprene suit. This way you can wade right out to nearest floating block of ice and climb up onto it, or if that fails, use the ice trap as a fly caster and fling the bait out into the open water as far as you can. As long as you are actually near some ice, I'm pretty sure it's legal. But as always, check with your local game warden.

So, there you have it, Flatlander, the inside dope on how us Mainers do it. If you follow my lead, there's no reason why a little thing like lack of ice should prevent you from enjoying some fine ice fishing. And remember, don't skimp on the beer. It'll keep you from panicking in emergency situations. Good luck Soggy and remember you didn't hear it here. Tell Linwood I said 'Hey'.

Bigfoot Chester

Sufferin' Bastards First Anniversary

If all be true that I do think,

There are but 5 reasons to drink:

Good Beer, good food or being dry,

Or lest ye should be, by and by,

Or any other reason why.

-H. Aldrich

SBL#178 Top 10 News Stories of 2006

Well, another year has run down the sieve again, and there is a positive outlook for a positively fabulous 2007 to come. If you're a cynic, that is. Hence, as part of SBL#178's ongoing mission to de-obfuscate the news, explain it in nice small words you can easily understand, and print it in nice large font size you can still read, we have rounded up the most noteworthy stories of the past year, as we see it. It's been a busy year, all said, and picking the top 10 news headlines was a hard choice. But here they are: the hard-hitting headlines that have defined the year 2006. Let's hope we have better luck next year.

In no particular order:

'Keith Richard Still Not Dead'

Doctors at the famed 'Helsinke' institute in Sweden make the absolutely remarkable announcement, that despite all logic or rational supporting evidence, aging British Rocker and star of the highly anticipated Pirates of the Carribean finale, Keith Richard is not yet dead. In this shocking announcement, Dr. Ivan Zweibach explains that, in laboratoty studies at the Institute, white rats were exposed to comparible amounts of heroin, cigarettes, Rebel Yell Bourbon, and recordings of the Stones last two albums. None of the lab mice were able to withstand that level of abuse, and there is no way anyone could, never mind Mr. Richard. When reached for comment, an apparently confused Richard was quoted as saying, 'Merf, mizzleflender, maaaan'.

Eat Lead You Lousy Red'

After a fine meal, a few single malt Scotches, and a heated discussion on the administration's strategies on the Iraq War, a disgruntled Dick Cheney took his 'close personal friend' and lawyer out for a little hunt in the woods, a la Freddie Corleone. While out, the foolish barrister stood stupidly between the Vice President and his quarry, a Quail who had scurried from under cover to try to intentionally confuse the gun toting government leader (probably a demeocrat). The Vice President, keenly and instinctively drew and fired, loading his dumb-assed hunting partner's face with Bird-Shot. After a swift investigation, under cover of darkness, all charges were dropped. The Quail was treated and released from a local animal hospital.

' 'I'm K-Fed Up'!, says Brit' '

After a whirlwind romance and an enchanting HillBilly wedding, the dream came to an abrupt end for Kevin Federline, famed Gansta Rapper and Erswhile Car Wash Attendant, who had been successfully leeching all he could from the Brittany Spears racket for the last few years. Details of the divorce weren't availlible, but I think it's safe to say: 'ring-ding-ding-ding-diggy-doo-dum, ring-ding-ding-diggy-doo-dum, Ice-Ice Baybay'. Say it ain't so K-Fed.

'An Inconvenient Bore'

Despite former president Al Gore's constant kvetching about the environment, and the fact that Florida-sized chunks of Iceberg are breaking off the continent and melting into the increasingly balmy Arctic Ocean, Global Warming was exposed this year as a fraud. 'There is no appreciable evidence that shows that the world's temperatures have incresed over the last 100 years. There is no problem as far as we see it', said Sidney Lipshitz, of British Petroleum, co-author of the independant study on global warming, 'Hemlock is poisonous?, Since When?!'. Hey, as far as all of us at SBL#178 are concerned: I wore shorts to pick up last minute Christmas items last week. I have ridden my mountain bike every week right up until last night's snow storm. As long as there aren't Polar Bears eating out of my trash, I'm having a hard time seeing the downside of Global Warming. Have another Corona and sing another verse of 'Margarita-ville' Al, and don't be such a stick in the mud.

'Doogy Houser Gay'!?

Far be it for us here at SBL#178 to be a forum for 'outing' celebrities, and it's really none of our business, but the most shocking celeb story of '06 was the self-disclosed revelation that beloved actor Neil Patrick Harris, erstwhile Doogie Howser Wunderkind, was gay. The star of the wildly popular CBS sit-com 'How I met Your Mother' revealed the stunner to People Magazine via an inside source. I know, I know, we were as stunned as you.

'Celebrity Deaths Always Come in Threes'

Beloved entertainer, and Godfather of Soul, James Brown. Benevolent and forgiving former presidential bridge between Tricky Dick Nixon and Jimmy Carter, Gerald Ford. Erstwhile Iraqi Dictator and mass-murderer, Saddan Hussein. They all bit the perverbial 'big one' this last week, much to the disappointment of their family and friends. The editorial staff at SBL#178 were having a robust discussion yesterday, about whos funeral we would have liked ours be like. Hands down, it was Godfather's. Ford's State Cerimony had too much of a dry Episcopal flavor, and, well, Saddam's just seemed kind of a drag. Hands down, I'd go with James Brown. When you've got Jessie Jackson, Al Sharpton, Micheal Jackson and a Gospel Choir to boot, it's a no-brainer. Brown and Ford will be sorely missed. Saddam will at least have those hundred virgins to look forward to.

'Domo Oregato Elvis'

Some stories are just custom made for late night TV comedians. Last summer, Japanese Prime Minister Kurasowa (is that his name, or is that the guy who made Samurai movies? I forget...anyway...) and President Bush met and did a tour of Graceland, along with scores of press and a dozen or so protesters dressed as Elvis Presley. You see, the P.M. is a really big Elvis fan. Really big. The photo-ops showed Kurasowa, bespectacled in Elvis sunglasses, doing the trademark Elvis Karate moves, while a bemused but befuddled President and First Lady look on, under the watchful eye of... that's right, you got it... Lisa Marie Presley. Man, this kind of comedy gold can only write itself. Thankyouverymuch.

'Tweedle Dum Meet Tweedle Dee'

In a stunning indictment of how the Republicans have mishandled the affairs of the War and the Economy, the astute American public went to the polls in November and helped the Democrats wrest the reins of government from the GOP majority. Now the Democrats prepare to show the American public how they intend to mishandle the asffairs of the War and the Economy, if they can get their stories together. Prepare to be dazzled, America.

' 'Pluto Not a Planet', The World Waits, Transfixed'

In a stunning declaration at the Annual Conference of Planetary Scientists last fall, the advisory council to the Conference suddenly announced that Pluto, you know, the diminutive 9th planet you learned about in grade school, is not actuall a planet anymore, but a 'Dwarf Planet' or a Cosmic Orb, or something like that. With the rising price in heating oil and groceries, I know that, at my house, that announcement had a really huge impact on the WFC index. Actually, the amazing fact about the Conference was how they were able to assemble all those top planetary scientists at one time, at all, given that it was prime Trekky Convention season.

'Bigfoot Chester announces New Year's Resolutions'

SBL#178 Chief Publisher and Chairman of the Board, Bigfoot Chester, today announced his New Year's Resolutions for 2007. He resolves to be less tactful with others, less tolerant of the differences between people, and stop being such a Polly Anna. He also resolves to keep publishing the diatribe know to dozens as Sufferin' Bastards Local #178 throughout the next year, unless he runs out of lame ideas, or something randomly pisses him off. When he was asked for further comment , he sais, 'Non Illegitimi Corrundum', never let the Bastard grind you down'. He also resolves to stop using the word 'erstewhile'.

Peace in 2007
BFC