SBL#178 Top 10 News Stories of 2006

Well, another year has run down the sieve again, and there is a positive outlook for a positively fabulous 2007 to come. If you're a cynic, that is. Hence, as part of SBL#178's ongoing mission to de-obfuscate the news, explain it in nice small words you can easily understand, and print it in nice large font size you can still read, we have rounded up the most noteworthy stories of the past year, as we see it. It's been a busy year, all said, and picking the top 10 news headlines was a hard choice. But here they are: the hard-hitting headlines that have defined the year 2006. Let's hope we have better luck next year.

In no particular order:

'Keith Richard Still Not Dead'

Doctors at the famed 'Helsinke' institute in Sweden make the absolutely remarkable announcement, that despite all logic or rational supporting evidence, aging British Rocker and star of the highly anticipated Pirates of the Carribean finale, Keith Richard is not yet dead. In this shocking announcement, Dr. Ivan Zweibach explains that, in laboratoty studies at the Institute, white rats were exposed to comparible amounts of heroin, cigarettes, Rebel Yell Bourbon, and recordings of the Stones last two albums. None of the lab mice were able to withstand that level of abuse, and there is no way anyone could, never mind Mr. Richard. When reached for comment, an apparently confused Richard was quoted as saying, 'Merf, mizzleflender, maaaan'.

Eat Lead You Lousy Red'

After a fine meal, a few single malt Scotches, and a heated discussion on the administration's strategies on the Iraq War, a disgruntled Dick Cheney took his 'close personal friend' and lawyer out for a little hunt in the woods, a la Freddie Corleone. While out, the foolish barrister stood stupidly between the Vice President and his quarry, a Quail who had scurried from under cover to try to intentionally confuse the gun toting government leader (probably a demeocrat). The Vice President, keenly and instinctively drew and fired, loading his dumb-assed hunting partner's face with Bird-Shot. After a swift investigation, under cover of darkness, all charges were dropped. The Quail was treated and released from a local animal hospital.

' 'I'm K-Fed Up'!, says Brit' '

After a whirlwind romance and an enchanting HillBilly wedding, the dream came to an abrupt end for Kevin Federline, famed Gansta Rapper and Erswhile Car Wash Attendant, who had been successfully leeching all he could from the Brittany Spears racket for the last few years. Details of the divorce weren't availlible, but I think it's safe to say: 'ring-ding-ding-ding-diggy-doo-dum, ring-ding-ding-diggy-doo-dum, Ice-Ice Baybay'. Say it ain't so K-Fed.

'An Inconvenient Bore'

Despite former president Al Gore's constant kvetching about the environment, and the fact that Florida-sized chunks of Iceberg are breaking off the continent and melting into the increasingly balmy Arctic Ocean, Global Warming was exposed this year as a fraud. 'There is no appreciable evidence that shows that the world's temperatures have incresed over the last 100 years. There is no problem as far as we see it', said Sidney Lipshitz, of British Petroleum, co-author of the independant study on global warming, 'Hemlock is poisonous?, Since When?!'. Hey, as far as all of us at SBL#178 are concerned: I wore shorts to pick up last minute Christmas items last week. I have ridden my mountain bike every week right up until last night's snow storm. As long as there aren't Polar Bears eating out of my trash, I'm having a hard time seeing the downside of Global Warming. Have another Corona and sing another verse of 'Margarita-ville' Al, and don't be such a stick in the mud.

'Doogy Houser Gay'!?

Far be it for us here at SBL#178 to be a forum for 'outing' celebrities, and it's really none of our business, but the most shocking celeb story of '06 was the self-disclosed revelation that beloved actor Neil Patrick Harris, erstwhile Doogie Howser Wunderkind, was gay. The star of the wildly popular CBS sit-com 'How I met Your Mother' revealed the stunner to People Magazine via an inside source. I know, I know, we were as stunned as you.

'Celebrity Deaths Always Come in Threes'

Beloved entertainer, and Godfather of Soul, James Brown. Benevolent and forgiving former presidential bridge between Tricky Dick Nixon and Jimmy Carter, Gerald Ford. Erstwhile Iraqi Dictator and mass-murderer, Saddan Hussein. They all bit the perverbial 'big one' this last week, much to the disappointment of their family and friends. The editorial staff at SBL#178 were having a robust discussion yesterday, about whos funeral we would have liked ours be like. Hands down, it was Godfather's. Ford's State Cerimony had too much of a dry Episcopal flavor, and, well, Saddam's just seemed kind of a drag. Hands down, I'd go with James Brown. When you've got Jessie Jackson, Al Sharpton, Micheal Jackson and a Gospel Choir to boot, it's a no-brainer. Brown and Ford will be sorely missed. Saddam will at least have those hundred virgins to look forward to.

'Domo Oregato Elvis'

Some stories are just custom made for late night TV comedians. Last summer, Japanese Prime Minister Kurasowa (is that his name, or is that the guy who made Samurai movies? I forget...anyway...) and President Bush met and did a tour of Graceland, along with scores of press and a dozen or so protesters dressed as Elvis Presley. You see, the P.M. is a really big Elvis fan. Really big. The photo-ops showed Kurasowa, bespectacled in Elvis sunglasses, doing the trademark Elvis Karate moves, while a bemused but befuddled President and First Lady look on, under the watchful eye of... that's right, you got it... Lisa Marie Presley. Man, this kind of comedy gold can only write itself. Thankyouverymuch.

'Tweedle Dum Meet Tweedle Dee'

In a stunning indictment of how the Republicans have mishandled the affairs of the War and the Economy, the astute American public went to the polls in November and helped the Democrats wrest the reins of government from the GOP majority. Now the Democrats prepare to show the American public how they intend to mishandle the asffairs of the War and the Economy, if they can get their stories together. Prepare to be dazzled, America.

' 'Pluto Not a Planet', The World Waits, Transfixed'

In a stunning declaration at the Annual Conference of Planetary Scientists last fall, the advisory council to the Conference suddenly announced that Pluto, you know, the diminutive 9th planet you learned about in grade school, is not actuall a planet anymore, but a 'Dwarf Planet' or a Cosmic Orb, or something like that. With the rising price in heating oil and groceries, I know that, at my house, that announcement had a really huge impact on the WFC index. Actually, the amazing fact about the Conference was how they were able to assemble all those top planetary scientists at one time, at all, given that it was prime Trekky Convention season.

'Bigfoot Chester announces New Year's Resolutions'

SBL#178 Chief Publisher and Chairman of the Board, Bigfoot Chester, today announced his New Year's Resolutions for 2007. He resolves to be less tactful with others, less tolerant of the differences between people, and stop being such a Polly Anna. He also resolves to keep publishing the diatribe know to dozens as Sufferin' Bastards Local #178 throughout the next year, unless he runs out of lame ideas, or something randomly pisses him off. When he was asked for further comment , he sais, 'Non Illegitimi Corrundum', never let the Bastard grind you down'. He also resolves to stop using the word 'erstewhile'.

Peace in 2007
BFC