Bigfoot Chester's Advice for the Outdoorsman 4/08/06

Dear Bigfoot,

I have recently married into a family where outdoor recreation, Fly-Fishing in particular, is a big part of their tradition. I have always enjoyed being outside, but I wouldn't exactly call myself a hard-core fisherman, by any means. But being a good sport, I went with my brother-in-law to one of his favorite fishing streams and he tried to teach me the fine art of fly-fishing. We met some of the local guys, we chit-chatted about what was biting, and on what, and where they were biting. I don't know, but it seemed like I couldn't get a straight answer out of those guys. It seemed like they were stringing me along, patronizing me almost. Tell me Bigfoot, you're pretty slick in these affairs, I'm told. How can you tell if a fly-fisherman is lying? I'd hate to think I was being duped.

Neophyte in Norridgewock

Dear Neo,

How you can tell if a fly-fisherman is lying is the same way you can tell if a politician is lying: their lips are moving. Fly-Fisherman are not what you'd call the most effusive bunch you'd want to meet. Getting honest fishing information from most fly-tiers is about as easy as getting 'cuttsies' in the Junior high lunch-line on Pizza Day. It ain't happenin'. They are most fearful that if they give you any information, no matter how trivial, you might be the one hauling out a 13" slimy brook trout out of the water, not them.

You ask them how the fishin's goin', they say, 'oh alright'. You ask how many fish he's caught, he'll say, 'oh, I jest kept one'. 'Kept' is a word that means, in effect 'caught'. If a fly-tier says he's only 'kept' one, that means he's only 'caught' one, even though it's meant to imply he's caught and released many more. If a fisherman says he hasn't kept any, that pretty much means he's been skunked. Asking a fly-fisherman what they're biting on and you'll get an answer so vague that you'll swear you're talking to Tricky Dick Nixon. And asking about the size of his fish is asking for an answer about as accurate as if you were asking him the length of his penis.

Yeah Neo, you're being played alright, but not because you're a 'newbie'. We all do it. When in Rome, lie like the Romans do. You say nothing. Play dumb. It's better to look like you haven't caught a fish since 1987 than give up a precious advantage to another bloke who's only going to Bogart your favorite 'fishin' hole'. They lie, you lie. Avert eye-contact and keep the possibly revealing small talk to a minimum. Even if they see your fish creel flipping and flopping, earnestly claim you haven't seen a fish all day. Call it paranoid, but it's not paranoia when they're all out to get your fish. That's my best advice. But you didn't hear that advice from me.

Keep your fly wet.

Bigfoot Chester

Look for Bigfoot Chester's regular column at www.totallyout.com . Bigfoot is neither a licensed counselor or a Registered Guide, so don't think of litigating for poor advice.