Lessons from the Judist Colony

There was a lot of excitement last week when the National Geographic published the Book of Judas, the long-lost “Gnostic gospel” of the Lord’s very own Johnny Damon. Of course plenty of other apochryphal books of the Bible have floated around for centuries, including my favorite, the Lost Gospel of Oprah. ( “Goest, thou, girlfriend!”)
None of these, according to most Christian scholars particularly changes the nature of the faith.
Still, some of the “rejected” books of the Bible are worth perusing. The Book of Methuselah, for instance, tells the story of the oldest man in Genesis, who finally expired at the age of 969 years. “And lo,” sayeth woeful Me-thu-she-lah unto his great-great-great-great-grandson. “Thou didst not even call me, although thou were’st in town.”
Then there’s the Second Book of Ruth, which tells the little known story of Ruth’s husband, Boaz, nicknamed “Babe” by her beloved. In the end, the Babe gets traded to the Yankees, and Ruth’s people enter a period of mourning that is not broken for eighty-four years.
“But then their suffering wast rewarded, and the Lord sayeth unto Derek Lowe. Thou hast been chosen to Shut Out the Cardinals. And Damon the Hirsute shalt homer in the first, and lo, Trot Nixon too shalt hit a two run double in the third.” And there was much rejoicing in the City of Beans.
But only those with faith of adamant should undertake the challenge of the long-lost book of Middle School Jesus.
The text, found in a papyrus backpack in a cave near Egypt, sheds new light upon the Lord’s “tween” years:
“Turn offeth that thing,” sayeth Joseph to the Lord. “And helpeth me in the Shop of Carpentry.” For he was sore with labor, and the Belt Sander was unclean.
“Let me saveth my game,’ sayeth the Lord. “For the Play-station has great memory, like that unto the heart of God. Just giveth me a second.”
“I said now and I meaneth now,” sayeth Joseph. “Don’t maketh me ground thee.”
And Joseph sayeth some words unkind, and soon his heart was filled with sore regret.
“I am sorry I losteth my temper,” sayeth Joseph. “But you kids spendeth way too much time online.”
“I forgive you,” sayeth the Lord.
The Book of Middle School Jesus also contains a number of hitherto unreported miracles. Most compelling, in my opinion, is the Miracle of The Book Report
Completed in Seconds.
“And there was at that time an edict from the Lord’s instructor, Mrs. LeChance, that all the children in the land were to be taxed with the creation of a Book Report. The Lord put his project off until the last minute, and Mary was sorrowful at heart.
“And then the day before the due date, Mary said, Art thou not going to work on the report thou hast been assigned? For it is due tomorrow and I shallst not be doing it for’st thee.
“And the Lord pointed toward his backpack and there was a host of angels, and lo! he removeth from his notebook a manuscript illuminated with gold, showing the main characters and describing the plot, where before the page had been blank!
“But Mary remained sorrowful.
“I don’t like you reading those Harry Potter books,” sayeth Mary. And her heart remained uneasy.”
Finally there is the sobering account of Career Day at the Gallilee Middle School (mascot: The Fightin’ Rabbis!”)
“And in camest the farmer who spake of his vocation, and also in camest the exchanger of coins. But the Lord showeth no interest. And then camest the trainer of camels, and likewise the vendor of falafel. But the Lord showeth no interest, and makest much to fidget at His desk.
“And at last Mrs. LeChance sayeth unto the Lord: Jesus dost thou have no interest in thine career? Wast will thou do when thou graduatest from high school?”
And the Lord smiled, for he hadst been asked a question for which he hadst been long prepared
“What dost thou think?” sayeth the Lord. “I’m working for my Dad.”