In the news this week: protestors urge a boycott of the movie the DaVinci Code, and with good reason. The film, which stars Tom Hank’s hair, is based upon the best-selling book by Dan Brown about the secret conspiracy to hide the facts of Jesus’ supposed marriage to Mary Magdalene.
It’s going to get worse before it gets better, of course. In production now, is the sequel, which actually gives us the lowdown about the marriage itself. You want something to protest? Check out the proposed story for DaVinci Code II: The Jesus Bunch.
We start off with a big tic-tac-toe board, with Jesus in the top center square, Mary Magdelene on the bottom, the other squares occupied by Peter and Greg and Marica and Judas. In the center: their housekeeper, Alice.
It’s the story
Of a man named Jesus
Who was preaching to twelve apostolic boys
All of them had hair of gold
Like their father
The youngest one in goys!
Cut to: a kitchen, with Alice making macaroni and cheese on the big range. Mary Magdalene, at her side, is listening to the Beatles on the oldies station, “The Ballad of John and Yoko:”
Christ you know it ain’t easy!
You know how hard it can be!
The way things are gooooing—
The door opens, and in comes the Messiah, briefcase in hand.
“Hi honey! I’m home!”
“Hi pumpkin!” says Mary.
“Hi, Mr. C,” says Alice.
Mary Magdelene him a little peck on the cheek. “How was work?”
“Oh you know,” says Jesus, discouraged. “Another day, another shekel.”
“The devil again?”
Jesus sighs. “You know what he’s started now? A line of chocolate donut franchises!”
“Oh, honey, I’m so sorry,” says Mary Magdelene. “First Starbucks, now this.”
“Go on, Mr. C,” says Alice. “Take your shoes off. You want me to anoint your feet?”
“Oh, I’m all right. You know me. I always bounce back!” He pours himself a glass of water from a pitcher. “You want some wine?”
“Sure pumpkin.”
Jesus pours some water into another glass, waves his hand over the stemware, hands a goblet to Mary Magadelene.
“Mm,” says the Magdelene. “What’s this, Merlot?”
“Shiraz,” says the Lord. “Is it too peppery?”
“No, it’s great.”
“Hi Daddy!” cry the children, who come running into the room, their arms outstretched.
“Hi Peter! Hi Marcia!” said Jesus. “Hi Judas!”
The lord’s children hug His knees. “You guys done your homework?”
Peter looks a little sheepish. “I was hoping you could help me.”
“Now now,” says Jesus. “We talked about this.”
“But it’s algebra,” said Peter. “I hate it!”
“I don’t see why you couldn’t just bless the math homework,” said Mary Magdalene. “Just this once.
“Jesus,” whines Judas, “I want a GameBoy?”
“Let’s see how your grades are, young man, then we’ll talk about a GameBoy.”
“But Marica has a GameBoy!”
“Marcia got straight A’s! Marcia earned a GameBoy!”
“Marcia Marcia Marcia!” shouts Judas.
“You keep your voice down.”
“But she’s such a dufus!” he says, trying to kiss her.
“Don’t start with the kissing,” says Mary Magdelene.
“You don’t say dufus in this house, young man, and I mean it.”
“Darn it,” says Alice. “I didn’t make enough dinner! There’s not going to be enough to feed the multitude!”
“Oh for Pete’s sakes,” says the Lord. “I’ll handle it. You get the plates.”
Somehow the whole family is fed with the single pot of macaroni and cheese. Marcia pushes her dinner around with a fork. “Eeeww! What is this stuff?”
“Try it, honey,” says Jesus. “You’d be surprised.”
Marcia takes a bite. “Wow!” she says. “It tastes like chocolate frosted doughnuts!”
Mary Magdalene looks at her husband reproachfully. “You think I don’t know what you’re up to?” she says. “You’re wrong.”
From the stereo comes the sound of the Youngbloods on the oldies station.
Come on people now,
Smile on your brother
Everybody get together
Try to love one another, right now.
“I’m sorry I called him a dufus,” says Judas.
“I forgive you,” says Jesus.
The Lord sits back, unbuttons the top button on his pants, and sighs, happily. “I always liked this song,” he says.
Not to adulterate our little B'log with charming anecdotes, and pictures, of Kids, but...
