Aries-March 21 to April 19
Your insufferable need to be right all the time is really a drag, if your friends were being honest with you. If you stuck a piece of coal 'twix the cheeks of your ass and played a game of Tetris, the result would be a diamond. Lighten up a little, will you? Oh yeah, and be on the look-out for romance on Thursday!
Taurus-April 20 to May 2
You are patient and loveable,warm-hearted and loving, placid and security loving; that's what it says here. What an enormous bore you are! Your logo is the friggin' Schlitz Malt-Liquor Bull, and that's the only interesting thing about you!
Gemini- May 2 to June 20
Your birthday falls right in the middle of Fly-Fishing season, which means eventually, you will have a birthday party, to which you will invite me, that will interrupt my fishing plans for the weekend. Guaren-fuckin-tee it!
Cancer- June 21 to July 22
You are over emotional and touchy,clinging and unable to let go. If you are a woman, you remind all men of Sharon Stone in Fatal Attraction; if you are a man, women think you are gay, and only hang out with you for that reason. Please Light!
Leo-July 23 to August 22
All I can think of when I hear Leo is that Leo Buscalia, therapist guy that was really popular a few years ago- you know the guy who just loved to hug everybody?! Now I'm annoyed; next sign please!
Virgo- August 23 to September 22
Your constant need to be meticulous and overly-critical will force one of your co-workers to swiftly kick you right in the ass, something they had been wanting to do for three years. Oh yeah, and financial opportunity will arise for you on Saturday.
Libra-September 23 to October 22
You are so indecisive you make John Kerry look like Lyndon Larouche. Make up your Fucking mind before I make it up for you...paper or plastic, paper or plastic, paper or plastic... Jeeeeesus Chriiiist!
Scorpio- October 23 to November 21
You are jealous, compulsive and obsessive. You beat me out for "Best Personality for Class of '81" in the Warrior's school yearbook! I hate you, I hate you!! (oh, wait, that was Dan Haiden, sorry).
Sagitarious- November 22 to December 21
On Wednesday, you will lose your job at the Mill, which would completely crush a Pisces, but you are so Fuckin blindly optimistic, you will take a job as a Kirby vacuum cleaner salesperson and, actually, probably make it work. Why can't you be more cynical, like me?
Capricorn- December 22 to January 20
Did you ever wonder about stuff? Like, do Vegetarians eat animal crackers, or if you put Spot Remover on your dog, will he disappear? Did you know the band Uriah Heep got its name from the protagonist in Dickens' David Copperfield? That's the kind of crap you probably think about Capricorn, aaaaalll the time!
Aquarius-January 21 to February 18
"This is the dawning of the aaaaage of Aquarius, Aquariuuuuus, Aquuuuaaaaiiuuuuus"! God, I've always hated that play. God-Damned Hippies! I can almost smell your Patchooli, Aquarius. You will buy a used Volvo this week and probably take a trip to the Organic food store for some Free-Range Corn Tortillas. Hacky-Sack anyone?
Pisces- February 19 to March 20
Pisces, old buddy, you are compassionate kind, imaginative and sensitive, above all, very creative. You will write a blog entry that people will think really sucks, but won't tell you honestly. If they do, just ignore them and rememer, you are an artistic genius, and they couldn't possibly understand that. Who's your buddy?!
Bigfoot Chester is neither a Licensed Counselor or a Registered Guide to the Stars. Questions or stinging insults can be directed to him via jack@totallyout.com. Peeeeeaaaace!
3 comments:
Horoscope???!!! Try Har Harascope.
That was probably the first time I ever read a(n?) horoscope.
Good things!!
Yeah, you sound just like a God-Damned Libra when you say that!
That would be really funny - if, I didn't have the Malt Liqure Bull tatooed on my arm.
Your cold man.
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